Humans, in all their great outward appearances and charming personalities, try very hard to conceal their weaknesses and evil intentions.
Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.
Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.
Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?
Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?
Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?
As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.
I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.
Until next time, may goodness rule again.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Scylla or Charybdis?
There are some days you just wake up and wonder "What the hell am I doing?" or "Where the hell am I going?"
I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.
On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.
On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.
"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.
I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.
On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.
On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.
"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.
Friday, September 17, 2010
South Paw
I am a left hander. In a world of 93-95% right handers, I am a minority.
Times are a changing. Society is weighing in on equality, slowly but positively. Society is becoming more tolerant of differences in gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation and even handedness.
I've had my fair share of challenges growing up in a right handed world surrounded by many right handed know-it-alls. It has ranged from the basic challenges of ironing, using scissors, avoiding elbow collisions with classmates, having smudged notes to more difficult challenges like answering nosy bystanders, being forced to change handedness and even sometimes ridiculed and looked down apon.
I have to commend my mother for not changing my handedness and shielding me as much as she could from the critics. I was often picked on at family gatherings, especially by older relatives. In my culture it is almost taboo to eat with the left hand, for reasons I will not elaborate here. They were hell bent on converting me into a right hander just like the rest of them. Almost each time, I watched helplessly as I was attacked, feeling bad and doubting myself. If I could go back now, I would gladly give them all a piece of my mind, very logically too.
Over the years, I combined adapting, changing certain ways and staying true to other ways in order to get to where I am today. I am no longer bothered by critics or onlookers. A lot of it had to do with prominently being the sole left handed violinist in a large orchestra at one point in time. I've learned to work around certain difficulties like using right handed tools, and I am as good a right hander ever will be in terms of dexterity. I've changed some things like taken to batting right handed and using the computer mouse like any right hander. Sometimes, all it takes is practice and in my case, a little extra effort. I still eat, write and do other major tasks involving strength or fine-tuned skills in my left hand.
Many interesting theories to understand lefthandedness and its associations have evolved over time; health conditions, intelligence, skills sets and testosterone, to name a few. How much of it is actually true, I couldn't tell. To me, it is just statistical significance and nothing more.
And now to present the one challenge I still face as a lefty. I've been playing a right hander's violin with my left hand for many years. It initially began with baffled teachers who didn't know how to handle a stubborn kid who refused to play like a right hander. Some of them took me on hesitantly and agreed to teach as long as I could keep up and did not expect individual attention, because they could not teach by example. Often ignored at group classes, I kept up with the rest in the best way I could. All this, and the fact that there were so many different teachers and hiatuses in between my learning experience, has made it difficult to progress steadily. It would be unfair if I didn't add here that I was lucky to have two extremely patient and dedicated teachers who kept encouraging me to focus on the learning and enjoy the music. Also during my last music spell of 4 years (2 years ago, that is), I learnt of a limitation. I was not able to reach some of the commonly played higher notes on the top right of the fingerboard, while reaching across from the left side. And this has left me in a standstill, unable to progress as I would like. 2 long years later and 3600 miles away, (yesterday), I met a teacher willing to teach me with the strings reversed. I am hopeful about it, though it will be learning all over again from the basics for me.
I've tried to find answers and advice on the internet, but each time my efforts have proved futile. People too often stray away from the topic and I am easily put off by narcissists on forums.
Times are a changing. Society is weighing in on equality, slowly but positively. Society is becoming more tolerant of differences in gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation and even handedness.
I've had my fair share of challenges growing up in a right handed world surrounded by many right handed know-it-alls. It has ranged from the basic challenges of ironing, using scissors, avoiding elbow collisions with classmates, having smudged notes to more difficult challenges like answering nosy bystanders, being forced to change handedness and even sometimes ridiculed and looked down apon.
I have to commend my mother for not changing my handedness and shielding me as much as she could from the critics. I was often picked on at family gatherings, especially by older relatives. In my culture it is almost taboo to eat with the left hand, for reasons I will not elaborate here. They were hell bent on converting me into a right hander just like the rest of them. Almost each time, I watched helplessly as I was attacked, feeling bad and doubting myself. If I could go back now, I would gladly give them all a piece of my mind, very logically too.
Over the years, I combined adapting, changing certain ways and staying true to other ways in order to get to where I am today. I am no longer bothered by critics or onlookers. A lot of it had to do with prominently being the sole left handed violinist in a large orchestra at one point in time. I've learned to work around certain difficulties like using right handed tools, and I am as good a right hander ever will be in terms of dexterity. I've changed some things like taken to batting right handed and using the computer mouse like any right hander. Sometimes, all it takes is practice and in my case, a little extra effort. I still eat, write and do other major tasks involving strength or fine-tuned skills in my left hand.
Many interesting theories to understand lefthandedness and its associations have evolved over time; health conditions, intelligence, skills sets and testosterone, to name a few. How much of it is actually true, I couldn't tell. To me, it is just statistical significance and nothing more.
And now to present the one challenge I still face as a lefty. I've been playing a right hander's violin with my left hand for many years. It initially began with baffled teachers who didn't know how to handle a stubborn kid who refused to play like a right hander. Some of them took me on hesitantly and agreed to teach as long as I could keep up and did not expect individual attention, because they could not teach by example. Often ignored at group classes, I kept up with the rest in the best way I could. All this, and the fact that there were so many different teachers and hiatuses in between my learning experience, has made it difficult to progress steadily. It would be unfair if I didn't add here that I was lucky to have two extremely patient and dedicated teachers who kept encouraging me to focus on the learning and enjoy the music. Also during my last music spell of 4 years (2 years ago, that is), I learnt of a limitation. I was not able to reach some of the commonly played higher notes on the top right of the fingerboard, while reaching across from the left side. And this has left me in a standstill, unable to progress as I would like. 2 long years later and 3600 miles away, (yesterday), I met a teacher willing to teach me with the strings reversed. I am hopeful about it, though it will be learning all over again from the basics for me.
I've tried to find answers and advice on the internet, but each time my efforts have proved futile. People too often stray away from the topic and I am easily put off by narcissists on forums.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Crabs and Tides
Talk Shu, TALK! You are once again withdrawing into that shell of yours, which you love so much to reside in.
4 days of holidays later, I am ready to go to work. I must say it was a much welcome break. I caught up on sleep, movies and family time. We even a got the chance to take a road trip out of the state to visit a famous zoo and climb a mountain! The zoo was really depressing, with a few unfortunate animals, badly fed, poorly looked after and dazed by the summer's heat. The mountain was worth the climb.
The Future has been bugging me lately. I'm acutely aware that the years are piling on me. I have to think of savings, studies and settling down; though right now, nothing seems to be working out. Savings are hard to accumilate with this lifestyle. Studies need finances and informed choices to be made. Settling down, well, I don't feel ready to trust my life with a mate yet.
Left with a few hundred bucks for the month, I went and purchased a book today, recommend by a friend. "Eat, Pray, Love" - will be my latest story book. I did not get a chance to watch the movie yet. Maybe it is a good thing that I found the original book first.
It's been exactly an year, from the day I left my old life behind and took a leap into the unknown. All in all, I must say, it worked out pretty well during the last year. I have many to thank for helping me get back on my feet.
4 days of holidays later, I am ready to go to work. I must say it was a much welcome break. I caught up on sleep, movies and family time. We even a got the chance to take a road trip out of the state to visit a famous zoo and climb a mountain! The zoo was really depressing, with a few unfortunate animals, badly fed, poorly looked after and dazed by the summer's heat. The mountain was worth the climb.
The Future has been bugging me lately. I'm acutely aware that the years are piling on me. I have to think of savings, studies and settling down; though right now, nothing seems to be working out. Savings are hard to accumilate with this lifestyle. Studies need finances and informed choices to be made. Settling down, well, I don't feel ready to trust my life with a mate yet.
Left with a few hundred bucks for the month, I went and purchased a book today, recommend by a friend. "Eat, Pray, Love" - will be my latest story book. I did not get a chance to watch the movie yet. Maybe it is a good thing that I found the original book first.
It's been exactly an year, from the day I left my old life behind and took a leap into the unknown. All in all, I must say, it worked out pretty well during the last year. I have many to thank for helping me get back on my feet.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Live.I Ride.I Am
I took the ride of my life today. And we made it home safely in two intact individual pieces. Phew.
I agreed to visit a mall with a friend to catch a movie. The original plan was that I would drive her to the mall in my Jeep. This was a comforting thought to me, as today would be the first day I am driving alone on the high speed highways (all these days I have been driving slowly and comfortably in my neighborhood). And I would have someone sitting beside me to make sure I dont miss out certain things on the road that I should be observant about and to make sure I don't crash onto any other vehicles. I was planning to be introduced to the high speed highways, slowly and gradually. But do things ever turn out the way to you plan them? Mostly, NO. I ended up following her car closely behind all the way to the mall and back home. It felt like being thrown into a pit of alligators to fend on your own. She drives like a crazy maniac and I had to keep up to make sure I dont get lost. I heard myself curse in bad language a couple of times. I have never driven so fast, not even with another passenger. At the end of it all though, it felt dangerously thrilling!
I watched Expendables. What a sorry excuse for a movie! It felt so lame with too much of testosterone, bad dialogues, over-acting and so much predictability. Halfway through the movie, it seemed like they killed so many people and did so much of damage to the town, just to save a girl. But it turned out, it was not even for her. BOOOOOOOO.
I LOVE GLEE. I think it is one of the best TV series they have come up in recent years. It is a good example of real talent in music, acting and dance. The series also does a great job in reviving golden oldies, which otherwise, we would never hear these days. Some performances give me the goose bumps! I've watched the first season countless times and watched certain performances over and over. I will wait till season 2 is completely over, so then I can get all of it at once and watch it back to back, rather than wait for a week impatiently.
After a long day, Shu deserves a good night's rest.
I agreed to visit a mall with a friend to catch a movie. The original plan was that I would drive her to the mall in my Jeep. This was a comforting thought to me, as today would be the first day I am driving alone on the high speed highways (all these days I have been driving slowly and comfortably in my neighborhood). And I would have someone sitting beside me to make sure I dont miss out certain things on the road that I should be observant about and to make sure I don't crash onto any other vehicles. I was planning to be introduced to the high speed highways, slowly and gradually. But do things ever turn out the way to you plan them? Mostly, NO. I ended up following her car closely behind all the way to the mall and back home. It felt like being thrown into a pit of alligators to fend on your own. She drives like a crazy maniac and I had to keep up to make sure I dont get lost. I heard myself curse in bad language a couple of times. I have never driven so fast, not even with another passenger. At the end of it all though, it felt dangerously thrilling!
I watched Expendables. What a sorry excuse for a movie! It felt so lame with too much of testosterone, bad dialogues, over-acting and so much predictability. Halfway through the movie, it seemed like they killed so many people and did so much of damage to the town, just to save a girl. But it turned out, it was not even for her. BOOOOOOOO.
I LOVE GLEE. I think it is one of the best TV series they have come up in recent years. It is a good example of real talent in music, acting and dance. The series also does a great job in reviving golden oldies, which otherwise, we would never hear these days. Some performances give me the goose bumps! I've watched the first season countless times and watched certain performances over and over. I will wait till season 2 is completely over, so then I can get all of it at once and watch it back to back, rather than wait for a week impatiently.
After a long day, Shu deserves a good night's rest.
Déjà vu
Dreams are curious things.
When we are sleep, the brain makes makes interesting "movie clips" involving us or people we know about. It can range from familiar people and scenes to totally unrelated and new plots. The amount of involvement we feel while dreaming is so great. Dreams can make us experience real fear, sadness, love, happiness and the like. Some dreams are forgotten, some remembered when we wake up and others come to mind later on.
Dreams can feel real while dreaming until we wake up and realise otherwise. And if one continues to dream, one would not know there exists another reality (the one where I'm blogging right now!) we live in.
Makes me wonder if this "reality" we call real is real at all.
When we are sleep, the brain makes makes interesting "movie clips" involving us or people we know about. It can range from familiar people and scenes to totally unrelated and new plots. The amount of involvement we feel while dreaming is so great. Dreams can make us experience real fear, sadness, love, happiness and the like. Some dreams are forgotten, some remembered when we wake up and others come to mind later on.
Dreams can feel real while dreaming until we wake up and realise otherwise. And if one continues to dream, one would not know there exists another reality (the one where I'm blogging right now!) we live in.
Makes me wonder if this "reality" we call real is real at all.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Travel Blog: Ras Al Kaimah, UAE
We set out early with 3 of them coming to pick up 2 of us who were in the same neighborhood. My neighbour decided to go out partying the night before and had way too much to drink. So we had to spend almost an hour dragging her out of bed, packing her clothes, warming up gross-looking leftover food while listen to her trying hard to recall the events of the day before, which included being pulled up by the cops. A very interesting tale, but that's not what this blog is about!
So we drove about 1.5 hours in a Peugeot 207 nick-named Titine, passing endless straight roads, desert on both sides, the occasional camel-sighting and beautiful sand dunes. We reached our destination, the Hilton Resort & Spa without much trouble. The hotel looked amazing with beautiful architecture and landscaping, strategically located overlooking the beach.
Most of our time was spent in several temperature-controlled pools and the beach. It was hard to beat the blazing heat even with all the shady beach umbrellas and loads of sun protection creams. It's funny how you don't feel the heat that much when you are having fun in the water. Only later when you see the skin tanned several shades darker, do you realise how strong the sunlight was. There was even a bar at the centre of a shallow pool. A very interesting concept, I thought, for reasons I will not elaborate here.
Food at the hotel was great of course (and expensive). Unfortunately, our friend with the hangover couldn't join us for a nice dinner. She was catching up on much needed sleep. After a good meal, we headed back to the room and went to bed. Early next day, we headed to the Spa for a head and shoulder massage. It was my first time at a Spa and I realised those places were carefully designed to make people feel relaxed and happy. Everything from temperature to sights, sounds and most notedly, the smells took one to a very quiet and tranquil state of mind within minutes. Luckily for us, an international buffet breakfast spread lay waiting to make our day. We ate as much as our stomachs could hold plus a little more extra. People always end up overeating at buffets. Buffets are a clever concept where people are invited to eat as much as they can for a high price. It's like a win-win-lose scenario, where hotels profit from the customers (win) and customers are left satisfied with the variety of food(win) and are also left with too many calories (lose). After that, we spent a few more hours in the pools, enjoying the last of it before check out.
By 2pm, we were all packed and ready to leave, reluctantly of course. It felt like a long vacation even though it was only a one-night stay. There were so many wonderful photos taken, with ample lighting conditions and pretty blue skies and blue water in most of them. My heart was beating unevenly at the checkout counter, wondering by how much we had exceeded our basic bed+breakfast rate. But to our joy, it was well within our budgets and we headed out feeling like that was the best weekend getaway ever!
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