A day in the life of an obsessive sociophobe

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
- Ke$ha


So where was I? yeah...

I wake up in the morning at 7am (Tick Tock, on the clock...)

Take your irresponsible song and get off my head, you evil siren.....THANK YOU.

____________________________________________________________

"OMG, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING ABOUT ME????"

Scene 1: The morning rush
I am getting ready to go to work. Once inside the washroom, I make sure the door is locked (having walked in on about thrice on separate occassions, I will forever remember to check!). Once done, I scan around to make sure everything is in order before I leave. While getting ready in my room, I make sure the curtains are closed because a bright light bulb on the inside can make things very visible to the outside.

Scene 2: Off to work
In the lift, there is a huge mirror. This is where I do a final check to see that my attire is in order (the shirt buttoned up, no tears, no marks, creases are fine), no flyaway hairs and right accessories. I flee from the lift to the car park, not looking around to see who's looking at me (yeah....), until I have my shades on, which is when I can hold my head up high. And once inside Chariotte, all feels safe. Loud music is on. Then my new-found friends join in and we are one big happy family, except on certain quiet mornings when we are still half asleep. The sociophobe has dozed off...

Scene 3: At work
If someone says "Good Morning", I say it back and smile. Usually, I am very active and chirpy in the mornings, provided I have had my tea and breakfast. But if I had to say it first, it is never consistent. I tell it to some people, not others, and this varies for different days. In my world, there are tiny time frames when certain tasks must be completed (like saying Morning when passing by a certain desk), or the opportunity is lost. I like to avoid saying it to some people, like my boss. I look up and see my boss turned away and busy with his computer. (Whew, the sociophobe thinks. No need to face him now). While I work, my ears are active and pick up footsteps and conversations. I can tell alot of people by the sound of their footsteps now, without even seeing who it is. At the coffee machine, I get my cappaccino, hoping I don't have to bump into anyone. If I do, I make hollow conversations as I plot a rapid exit in my head. When my boss is coming towards me, I look away (to be honest, I think he's a sociophobe too!) or sometimes manage to mutter a nearly inaudible  "Hi". The day goes by, I try to do everthing right. I try to be in control. I re-read my emails, check for grammar several times and anticipate the various impressions it might create in the minds of others. I am wary of conversations I make. So careful that sometimes, I can't maintain normal conversations with colleagues, out of fear of judgement (interesting to note that I am a highly judgemental person in return) or because I am busy distracted running several simulated scenarios in my head.

Scene 4: Lunch
Entering the lunch room with a room full of staff is disheartening. I am much more comfortable in smaller groups less than 5. So most days, I find excuses to drive out in my lunch break or find places of solitude to have my lunch while I listen to music, read a book or simply live inside my head. Finally, a quick trip to the washroom, again, to check for flyaway hair or colourful pieces of food wedged between my teeth!

Scene 5: Social situations
These are the hardest, if I am not around people I trust and those who I am convinced can put up with my eccentricities. I try hard to play cool, while hiding away any fear or awkwardness. Sometimes, out of nervousness, I do blabber inappropriate things, something I would never do when in my comfort groups. I would try to avoid activites that leave me socially vulnerable like giving a public speech, making good impressions, interviews, performances, dancing, drinking, looking different, wearing different and even thinking different and saying it out. I like to blend in, without attracting too much attention. I think hard about the types of topics I should converse on, once I have analysed the various outcomes of impressions/ interpretations of what I say.

General characteristics: paintakingly careful, hypersensitive to feedback, observant, detail oriented, methodical, organised
Suitable professions: criminal, detective, mother, shrink

It is not an easy life to lead. Identifying these manic sides to me has helped me to consciously overcome some of the associated challenges; while attempting to "grow a spine" and "voice out my opinions" as some would say. On the up side, some of these same characteristics, make me good at a lot of the things I do and does not make me any less of a person!

Random

I have taken a small break from Mousehunt, the game on Facebook that I was so piously dedicated to. Even in games, they make it hard for you to accumilate gold. So after awhile the stress of making gold gets to you in a negative way.

Months of bitching about my job finally paid off this week. I got appreciated and praised one day BY THE BOSS HIMSELF for coming up with a good idea for improving things in the work place. Being the desperado I am for any morsel of attention that comes my way, I was floating 3 inches off the ground for most of the day. Pathetic, Shu. But it's amazing what a tiny line of encouragement can do to the attitude of an employee. Seriously, they need to capitalise on this stuff!

Facebook. Can't do without it these days. While it has its many advantages, one can be easily put off by things such as reading annoying posts of others like them wanting to kill themselves (why announce?), finding it difficult to find friends on the rather unfriendly friend finder, and seeing notifications from the same set of people on the news feed (eventhough I changed the settings to reflect feeds from everyone), receiving game requests, to name some.

Also on the same topic, I noticed that 98% of my photos on Facebook are ones taken with people of MY gender, which might lead people to suspect that I am a homosexual. I can't be bothered to clear misconceptions.



I am so sleepy, I should go.

The Sun always shines again

" job n. A regular activity performed in exchange for payment, especially as one's trade, occupation, or profession."

That's right, the definition does not include words such as "satisfaction", "happiness", "appreciation" or "development".

I've been sour and bitter about my job lately. Mostly, due to accumilation of unexpressed emotions (nothing out of the ordinary about Shu). It developed into a maggot-infested corpse of an issue, where it's decomposing juices oozed into my work and personal life. I stumbled on this goo and fell a few times this month.

When I dusted myself up again, I looked around me.
1. One of my travelling buddies, works 8 hours a day, 7 days a week with no days off for even a public holiday.
2. I know someone who kept their job for a few years eventhough her boss was a pervert and made passes which can be termed as sexual harassment.
3. I know plenty of friends "in-between jobs", and even I've been there.
4. I see plenty of domestic workers working here, with untold hardships and minimal wages.
5. I see many doing odd jobs, dodging authorities, living in unhabitable conditions and working amidst many occupational hazards.
6. I know a friend who works 3 jobs to make ends meet.
7. And this list does go on.

It's far easier for me to complain and be unhappy about a few inconveniences than be thankful for the plenty of things I've taken for granted about this job of mine. So I've decided to try and stop being petty about it.

Also on the topic of work, I am part of a committee organising social events for the staff. The next event, to my horror, is called a "Pub Crawl". Yes, as the name suggests, it's going to be about crawling to about 5 different pubs back to back. There will be alot of booze and drinking games and making history (mostly embarassing/ unprofessional ones). And I *really want* to worm myself out of this event, which is harder now that I'm obliged to participate as a member of that committee. Seriously Shu, you get yourself in real pickled situations. And then, there's also this guy at work who I seem to have a massive crush on.

Ground Zero

Yesterday was bright and sunny.
Today, it feels the exact opposite.
My world spirals downwards today.
It lacks the will to stand tall, amidst storms that come my way.
It is too much attuned to fluctuations in external circumstances.

Today, I agree to the same things I contradicted yesterday.
Sad it is, to have no choice but to run back to the arms that made you cry in the first place.
Fearful it is, to look back and realise there are no guardians angels watching over me.
I can only watch in helplessness, while cruel acts cannot be reasoned out with cruel people.
I failed to stand up for the ones who needed protecting.
Disappointed is what I become, when I measure the world with my scales.

Does not matter where I flee to, it follows me everywhere I go.
"Castle Walls" - T.I. ft. Christina Aguilera

Cirque de la vie

Ah, what a terrible day! One of the bosses, kept me long after work, all the while when 4 people were waiting for me. Nothing ticks off Shu like being kept waiting or keeping other people waiting. To make things worse, there was a heavy traffic jam, none like I've ever seen in 7 months.

Shu's travelling 'circus' now consists of 4 people (excluding herself). The most interesting part is that the 4 of them come from different countries! One from Philippines, one from Egypt, one from Indonesia and one from Morocco; so that's 5 different nationalities squeezed in one car. Two of the best parts to her day are traveling to and from work with banging music and this noisy bunch who get along quite well except for the one from Philippines, mostly because of the age gap. She looked nearly horrified to hear a very elaborate conversation on Lady Gaga's infamous condom costume once. Shu loves to see people leave behind their labels and unite in the name of just being homo sapiens.

Shu, I know life is (mostly) good now. But life moves FAST. If you don't make hay while the sun shines, er...the poor donkeys won't have anything to eat??? (never wondered why that idiom existed, until now). What I mean to say is please don't procrastinate and put the things that really matter in life to the bottom of your priorities. You are now like a grasshopper dancing away to life's comforts and joys. You know very well how impermanent and uncertain life is. Everything could change in the blink of an eye. So be wise. Build yourself to be stronger on the inside. Be smart. Don't lose yourself in this materialistic tsunami of life. Be strong. Don't depend on other people for emotional anchors. Lastly, make good use of the time you have so that you won't have too many regrets later on.

This day is not due for another 8 months, but what the hell, I thought it is still funny!

Y-E-A-H Man

I've have crawled my way out of a deep crevice I fell into a few weeks back, only to attempt blogging again. This year so far has certainly not been my year for writing. But today, I got a ray of inspiration, reading one of my old posts after sharing it with one of the people it was dedicated to.

I went to see Usher live in concert last night. Man, it was a disappointment. And if I were Usher, I'd kill myself if I heard that coming from a "fan". He performed many songs for nearly 2 hours, drenched with sweat as he juggled singing and dancing. It sure didn't seem easy and I'll give him that. But except for a couple songs that the crowds went wild over, the rest were slow and cheesy, and hardly tunes that can be danced-to. The after-concert wasn't so great either. I ended up with a company of a mostly wasted people, a couple of them jabbered way too much and I had to put up with listening. I stayed sober, with the wonderful excuse of being the designated driver. I came home, feeling awfully tired, and fell asleep rightway. Come morning time, I felt like shit. Missed my class and went back to sleep with a terrible headache. Waking up, I realised I was still wearing my contact lenses from last night which now felt like shattered glass pieces in my eyes. Joy.

The rest of the day went pretty well actually. I did a lot of housework (cooking, laundry, ironing 2 weeks worth of office clothes), I went for a class later in the day, I had a mini-outing at the beach and I had a decent conversation with my mother, All in all, it felt good to be back from the depressing cesspool of pettiness, jealousy and self pity I had been wallowing in.

Time for bed Shu, to rest those aching joints from the nasty after effects of outdoor concerts!

Ghosts from the past..