Reason and Persuasion

Today, I completed one year at my current job. MY thoughts?  Well, I honestly feel grateful for the livelihood it gave me and my family in the past one year. I've grown up, matured, learnt new skills, developed a few invaluable friendships with good people, pushed myself to new challenges, become more confident, acquired higher material and social status, started to set objectives in life and feel determined to work towards them. On the downside, my boss is not the mentor-type I expected. He has been unwilling to take a few minutes of his busy time to do a review of my performance for the past year. I am uncertain as to where I stand in the company or what opportunities for progress lie ahead. I am not working in a field I specialised in. I am underpaid. My potential is not exploited rightfully by this job or the company. Everything in life comes in packaged deals. This is the subscription plan I picked an year ago. I have 2 choices; be content with what I do have and keep going OR actively go looking for what I need and move on. Very simple, theoritically speaking.

Life is a funny thing, on one end someone extends you a hand and pulls you out of your despair. And then you turn around and see another in despair, and realise you can and should help. Empathy, sympathy, charity, generosity, compassion, kindness are all very Noble things ONLY if used wisely. It is easy to fall prey to being an "innocent fool" after rushing to help without first arming oneself with the necessary knowledge and equipment first. Much like a paramedic is of not much use without proper background knowledge of the accident and without his medical equipment. After all, the cause is lost if you do more damage than help or worse, end up damaged. These things make more sense as I get older and I leave behind my cocoon of naivety.

I've had better luck with the second book of Bertrand Russell I am reading. With the first one, I tried too hard. The vocabulary and writing style seemed beyond my level of comprehension. However, I am curiously drawn to the wide variety of topics he tackled in his works of literature. Not ready to give up yet, I picked up a smaller book of "Bertrand Russell's Best" from the library the other day. And like most secondary school kids who turn their Biology textbooks directly to the chapter on "Reproduction" when they need an interesting appetizer before starting the dry main course (of studying for the finals, of course! - in case you lost me there), I jumped to a random chapter on "Sex and Marriage". He wrote this in 1929 and eventhough his arguments were directed in opposition to teachings of the Church on the same topic at the time, I find that even in 2011, they still hold remarkable significance in certain conservative cultures (like mine). One simply feels challenged to argue back with his flawless logic, eventhough there were a couple of eye-brow raising moments for me here and there. Not only that, his wit and logic combine in some places and the resulting lines are too hilarious!

On the topic of "Sex and Marriage", he says in one place,

"If the old morality is to be re-established, certain things are essential....The first esssential is that the education of girls should be such as to make them stupid and superstitious and ignorant; .....the next requisite is a very severe censorship upon all books giving information on sex subjects.....These conditions, however, since they already exist, are clearly insufficient. The only thing that will suffice is to remove from young women all opportunity of being alone with men; girls must be forbidden to earn their living by work outside home; they must never be allowed an outing unless accompanied by their mother or an aunt;.....It must be illegal for an unmarried woman under fifty to possess a motor-car, and perhaps it would be wise to subject all unmarried women once a month to medical examination by police doctors, and to send to a penitentiary all such as were found not virgins. The use of contraceptives must, of course, be eradicated,.....These measures, if carried out vigorously for a hundred years or more, may perhaps do something to stem the rising tide of immorality. I think, however, that in order to avoid the risk of abuse, it would be necessary that all policemen and all medical men should be castrated. Perhaps it would be wise to carry this policy a step further, in view of the inherent depravity of the male character. I am inclined to think that moralists would be well advised to advocate that all men should be castrated, with the exception of ministers of religion....."

Perhaps, the world needs a couple of more Lord Russells on the Eastern hemisphere so that mental evolution (with regards to social problems) - constipated as it is - can progress steadily and healthily.

Looking forward to reading what he has to say on drier topics.

No, I'M your Master, and you are my slave

Trying to gain mastery over their minds has been an evolutionary human urge. It has no doubt been a driving force in re-shaping our society. Perhaps, it is a losing battle in the end from an individual's perspective. Nevertheless, they try.

When we are young and able, we develop interests that culture organised and disciplined ways of thinking and behaviour. We erect fences and dams in areas of the mind we know are weak in its foundations. We educate ourselves and re-validate our principles from time to time. We maintain lists and straighten out the world around us to achieve a sense of control and structure. We lean towards people who we think are like us or are better influences. We use logic and reasoning to defeat ignorance and misconceptions.We try to steer away from interests that may initiate uncontrolled disturbance in our surroundings. We enforce rules and regulations to help us trap ourselves into universally accepted ways. Sometimes, we even go as far as to use fear and punishment, when all else fails.

The eternal battle of the self over mind continues.


   

Of mice and social networks

Unfortunately my reservoir for blogging ideas these days is tainted with this disease.

Another visit to a doctor yesterday. This time an ENT specialist. Didn't think he would be that much useful (I was right). But why did I go? Because the family told me so. Got to please them every once in awhile.

A conversation with the radiologist just before getting an X-ray:
Radiologist: Are you married or not married?
Shu: Not married.
Radiologist: Are you single?
Shu (sickly and annoyed): Yes. (WTF. Didn't I just answer that?)

Took me till hours later AND some help to figure out the logic behind that style of questioning in a country where pregancy out of wedlock can get you arrested and/or deported!

Made some hefty purchases in game "gold" on Mousehunt today, thanks to some generous donations. Now to work Piped Piper's magic.

Also happened to watch "The Social Network" after declaring a half day of sick leave from work. Ok, I was really feeling awful and unable to work. So yeah, I thought it was a great movie, in that it's based on a (currently relevant) real story and reflects the struggles Facebook was subject to, to get to where it is today - a 500 million user-base. Impressive, I'd say. One need not elaborate on how much Facebook is part of our everyday lives now.

There was a confusing 10 seconds of a strong tremor a while back. It could have been an earthquake or a disturbing hallucination. Too soon to confirm. Oh well, I'll know tomorrow if the building hasn't already collapsed for an after-shock.

GO TO SLEEP SHU, are you mad to stay up so late??? Another day of sick leave and you might get fired!

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone"

Six hours of possible sleep-time before waking up to a new week of work...

This weekend has been one of those rare productive, satisfying and warm/fuzzy ones. Despite the health setbacks, I've managed to accomplish much. I am not crying over having to go to work tomorrow, unlike some other weekends where I just turn my lazy butt at the Sun and dwell in regret/ self-pity for time lost.

My last blog, written out of frustration at the time, stired deeper thoughts and further internal analysis. I have found clearer explanations to some of my questions, thanks to one who has a natural gift for analysing, breaking down and simplifying things ;)

For the first time, I've got lessons which I feel challenged about in my music class. The notes are hard, I am struggling, I fail, I practice, I try hard. I fail again. I still love it.

Time for Chariotte's health check up tomorrow. She will get her vitals checked and fixed. She's been nothing but reliable and helpful. I don't know what I would do without her.

Nothing like waiting for your turn outside the doctor's clinic, watching unknown people and muted documentaries on BBC, to drift you off to a place where you can think. If you are feeling overwhelming love and positivity and hope for the world, you need to visit a hospital. Tiny children afflicted with disease, horror-striken mothers, cancer patients, people with deformities, people with skin conditions and the like are everywhere. And then it hits you, "Yes, they do exist and I share this world with them". Then you also remember the less-fortunate fellow beings and helpless animals. How easy it is to forget them, as your pampered able-bodies sit on your selfish asses, indulging in fleeting pleasures, dreaming of self-centered ambitions, complaining of what you do not have. SHAME ON YOU.

Five hours of sleep-time left before waking up to a new week of work.

Carving that Niche

I am a 25 year old woman, and I am still struggling to figure myself out. Shouldn't I KNOW myself by now?  Shouldn't I KNOW by now how to think and act in confidence? Shouldn't I KNOW by now where I want to head in life? And yes, by all that, I meant I don't have a solid idea of myself to hold on to. It is not a very comforting thought.

Am I the person I am based on my current human associations? Or am I the person I am when I am alone? Or am I the person I become when I do certain activities?

Except for an atomic nucleus sized core of strong values and ideas that remain unchanged, it is apparent that a large part of my personality is heavily influenced by the type of people I hang out with, what they say, the type of situations I am in and conforming to social standards. I am a shape-shifter of sorts, evolved to camouflage in order to blend in with the circumstances. It happens naturally most of the time, I feel it is real when I am in the moment. Does that make me entirely fake? I do not know.

Do I let myself get close to people just so that I hope to find a definition of myself? That sounds awfully twisted and selfish.

Or am I simply struggling to live with all the different and sometimes conflicting aspects of my personality?

URGH. Isn't is one of those phases in life I should have been done with in my late teens or early twenties? The big questions about Life, the present reality vs. lessons learned by self vs. lessons taught by elders while growing up vs. social standards. Somebody needs to write a credible book on "Dummy's Guide to Life", I might buy it.

On to lighter things,

Same old, same old with the health-front. Blasted disease. Cold weather doesn't aid recovery. My lungs have taken a dip for the worst. I wonder if this is the beginning of a lifelong series of chronic ailments. Whatever.

I have been very addicted to a game on Facebook lately. Mousehunt. What I fear most about games has become a reality - addiction. I find myself strongly entertained, determined and devoted to it, perhaps sometimes even shying away from my other priorities. For example, I burnt the same non-stick pan TWICE when I left something cooking on an open fire as I was away tending to my newfound addiction. Yes, it is possible I might set the building on fire with my obliviousness.

There are good things that have become of this brand new year, which I have failed to recognise earlier. I have a new wardrobe of clothes and shoes that will go a long way in sugar coating my hippie nature and giving me a refined image. I am extremely happy with them, a combination of my purchases and my sister's. She does a far better job in buying my clothes, shoes, accesories, handbags, etc of a feminine nature than I do myself. And then, most importantly, I have a renewed sense of strength and desire to pursue my larger-than-life aspirations.

I'M INVINCIBLE, yes.

Tuesday is over. The week now lies heavier on the lighter side of things. High spirits are gradually declining over the week. Much to be done that NEEDS be done.

Still getting over the nasty aftereffects of the "vacation". The immunity is returning, slow-w-w-l-yyyyy but surely. 3 kilograms of precious fat and scarce muscle protein lost over the last month needs replenishing.

Tired of being tired.

On the road to recovery

A stay-in weekend, batchelor style! No kids, no family, no guilt, no deadlines, no chores, no errands, no instructions, no social committments. Just PERFECT.

The after-effects of medication are distasteful and that is saying little. The expectorant cough syrup the doctor (knowlingly or unknowingly) prescribed triggered attacks of dry cough that kept me up at night for hours, cursing and with thoughts of strangling myself. The antibiotics have ruthlessly massacred all my gut flora. I am counting days to having my immunity back and never will I take good health for granted again.

I've tried strange home remedies of my mother, aunties and even one prescribed by my new Egyptian friend. (Ramses and Tut, being the only names that come to mind now, I think I'll call him Tut for the purpose of the blog. Anyway, modern Egyptians - who smoke, play X-box and go clubbing - are nowhere like the ones described in ancient stories of the Pharoahs, what a disappointment. I have always been amazed by the stories of the great Egyptian civilization and I have all my papyrus wall hangings to prove it.)

Hopefully, this will be the last weekend I'll be whining about this disease.

On to other things, I managed to squeeze one music class this weekend. And what luck! I was the only student so I got 50 minutes of undivided attention. I must say it was a great feeling to hold my violin after nearly a month, and not to mention after 50 minutes of playing, it sounded so crisp and sweet!

It is a relief to be driving on disciplined roads again. Back home, there are no rules that seem to be followed. The driver or the other front passenger NEED NOT wear seat belts, children are free to sit un-buckled in the front, signalling is optional and lane markings are well, just lane markings. People drive with the shutters wide open, inhaling all the polluted exhaust fumes that spew out of old vehicles. Policemen have to manually channel traffic at roundabouts and junctions since there is not much road courtesy. Drivers put their hands out to signal a turn, though they very well know they can lose an arm in the process by an overtaking vehicle! Crazy idiots. Somehow, they seem to be managing fine, with only the occassional accident.

(Crap, crap, the weekend is over.)

Had a warm gush of memories of American history we learnt at school. Not the icky dates and names we were forced to memorise for tests, but the powerful stories that stuck, like Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad.

No Shuri, you CAN'T have the X-box Kinect. But your glory days with Dance Central will come, be patient now.

I have just finished all my episodes of "My Name is Earl". I'll miss you, Earl and even you, Joy.

My recently passed out doctor friend prescribed this video to get me through the lousy times. It sure worked better than the cough syrup the older doctor prescribed.

The Tipping Point

What an exhausting day, I have very nearly lost the will to live because of this disease. This chronic cough has left me feeling so weak and dizzy and my abdominal muscles will surely take ages to recover from this soreness.

Not surprisingly, I lost my rational guarded self at work. "What the hell are you doing here Shu, in this desk job?", asked a voice in my head. I suspect that it could have been the lack of oxygen going to the brain.

After work, I had to go and buy a pack of briefs for a family member of mine. Now I didn't think twice about it till I met the sales guy who shot me down with the ugliest stare ever, AS IF I were collecting costumes for my cross-dressing fantasies. Dumbass.

You want a piece of me?? Go ahead. Today, you can take what you like.

As some things end, others begin...

I'm back after a very eventful vacation. Not quite relaxed or in high spirits, as one would expect after a vacation or at the start of a brand new year.

I thought the worst was the shocking news that my sister and nephew had a narrow escape on a flight that caught fire 30 minutes into their journey on the day we left for home. While we waited for her to land in my home country 5 hours after my flight, we had no idea of the ordeal she went through till much later. To our relief, she arrived safely with junior 10 hours later. She tells me that the experience was the closest to death she ever felt.

In the following days, two of our close relatives passed away. None of the news shocked me or moved me. The day after the funeral of one, we heard of the passing away of my grandfather. At the time, I was suffering from a bad case of the flu and I was getting ready to leave home as my vacation was nearly over so I was not able to "pay my final respects" to him by making the 7-hour drive to his home-town. I also happen to believe that it is a pointless tradition to pay respects to the dead at a funeral with your attendance, unless it is to support the ones left behind during this trying time. I was not even sad or feeling homesick to leave home, as everyone's minds were preoccupied with other issues. Only now that I have settled back here with 2 days of sick leave to rest (for acute bronchitis, as the doctor put it), I can feel the emotions associated with the loss and fond memories of my grandfather returning. His pleasant toothless smile as he rolled his eyes to recall facts and his customary white suit are what stuck with me as the strongest mental images of him.

Life can be so temporary, and yet we strive to live like immortals.