Carving that Niche

I am a 25 year old woman, and I am still struggling to figure myself out. Shouldn't I KNOW myself by now?  Shouldn't I KNOW by now how to think and act in confidence? Shouldn't I KNOW by now where I want to head in life? And yes, by all that, I meant I don't have a solid idea of myself to hold on to. It is not a very comforting thought.

Am I the person I am based on my current human associations? Or am I the person I am when I am alone? Or am I the person I become when I do certain activities?

Except for an atomic nucleus sized core of strong values and ideas that remain unchanged, it is apparent that a large part of my personality is heavily influenced by the type of people I hang out with, what they say, the type of situations I am in and conforming to social standards. I am a shape-shifter of sorts, evolved to camouflage in order to blend in with the circumstances. It happens naturally most of the time, I feel it is real when I am in the moment. Does that make me entirely fake? I do not know.

Do I let myself get close to people just so that I hope to find a definition of myself? That sounds awfully twisted and selfish.

Or am I simply struggling to live with all the different and sometimes conflicting aspects of my personality?

URGH. Isn't is one of those phases in life I should have been done with in my late teens or early twenties? The big questions about Life, the present reality vs. lessons learned by self vs. lessons taught by elders while growing up vs. social standards. Somebody needs to write a credible book on "Dummy's Guide to Life", I might buy it.

On to lighter things,

Same old, same old with the health-front. Blasted disease. Cold weather doesn't aid recovery. My lungs have taken a dip for the worst. I wonder if this is the beginning of a lifelong series of chronic ailments. Whatever.

I have been very addicted to a game on Facebook lately. Mousehunt. What I fear most about games has become a reality - addiction. I find myself strongly entertained, determined and devoted to it, perhaps sometimes even shying away from my other priorities. For example, I burnt the same non-stick pan TWICE when I left something cooking on an open fire as I was away tending to my newfound addiction. Yes, it is possible I might set the building on fire with my obliviousness.

There are good things that have become of this brand new year, which I have failed to recognise earlier. I have a new wardrobe of clothes and shoes that will go a long way in sugar coating my hippie nature and giving me a refined image. I am extremely happy with them, a combination of my purchases and my sister's. She does a far better job in buying my clothes, shoes, accesories, handbags, etc of a feminine nature than I do myself. And then, most importantly, I have a renewed sense of strength and desire to pursue my larger-than-life aspirations.