The radio stations are back! What a great feeling to be back driving while listening to loud music... just to recap, a few days back, an ex-ruler passed on and during the three days of national mourning, all TV and radio channels stopped broadcasting and played melancholic classical music and/or prayers ALL DAY. It drove me to near-insanity to drive on those 3 days.
And yes, referring to the title, I have newfound love for the 3.7L engine of my Jeep!! It is so powerful and she accelerates with very little effort. Not intending to sound like a brag, let me explain. Recently, I got a lift from one of my colleagues. The 2.3L car made such alot of noise (VRRRRROOOOOM) just to accelerate to 60kmph and here I thought with that sound, we must be going at 120kmph (I was wrong). Sure, the Jeep drinks alot of petrol but in my opinion, it is a small price to pay (in this country) to drive a powerful and hardy 4WD vehicle. Also when I am at the forefront of a traffic signal, and just after the light turns green, there is always a huge gap between me and all the tiny cars at the back, because the pick up is faster. Of course, after a few seconds, the rest of them catch up. Nevertheless, I have forever decided I will never own a small (cramped) car, if I had a choice in picking it.
6 students in the music class today, argh!! One hour to be divided between 6 students; some were ignored and some got more time with the teacher (I was one who got more time). Disappointing still, to see the ones who were ignored. But the positive thing is that I realised it is good to be going from the lowly basics. As I have not had any formal systematic training earlier in the type of music I play most, I have missed on many little but valuable techniques. So here's is my second chance.
In my constant search for validation and assurance, I took a "Personality Disorder Test". Surely, these are not a 100% accurate, but here are the results:
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
So we are all but a bunch of different complexes at different degrees. Gives variety to this world, innit?
On to other interesting things, I discovered today that there were 4 videos on Youtube of some of my old concerts when I used to play in an orchestra. One of them was so unclear, you can't even make out any of the faces, but the rest were good stuff. Yay, Shu, you are on the Internet performing like a little Star!!
We must try to keep in touch with people we care about. It is so hard with our schedules and geographical distances, but there is the internet and it is a cheap way to even drop a "Hi" to let them know you still think about them.
It is very important to develop good and considerate habits while we are able and young. Not because they are supposed to be good. But because, eventually you grow old and it gets harder to change less desirable habits. We have a guest at home these days and he (in his late 60's) leaves his plates and cups around for somebody to wash after him, eventhough he is perfectly capable of doing it himself and is perfectly aware there are no domestic workers paid to do that job in the house. Little does he realise that people around him resent his selfish ways and even something as small as this can make people love him less and not want to look after him when he is older.
Shu is off on a grocery shopping errand... work tomorrow too *sigh*....
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Guitars and Horses
I witnessed a road accident today. My heart goes out to all people who ride motorcycles (and their families) – mostly dispatch/ delivery personnel on highways – any road accident for them is almost always fatal. If I had any say in this, I would bring in more safety regulations for these cyclists and ban their use on high-speed highways altogether.
I confidently watch TV programs/ movies involving casualties, blood and surgery without anything as much as a flinch. I even confidently took up a First Aid course thinking that this desensitization would make me competent in such a role. However, today, witnessing and driving past a real casualty lying on the side of the road made me realize that I might be one of the first people to panic and flee such a reality.
I learnt something interesting today while attending a training. The actual course content was very technical, however this particular phrase stuck with me. People don't actually resist (external) change, contrary to popular belief. They just resist being changed. So involving people in making change would be the most effective way to go around this.
Today, I met a female helicopter pilot (one of the students on training), who also happens to be a mother/wife/ex-military officer. DAMN, some guts that is. I've placed her high on my list of real life heros! Not very often I meet such admirable and courageous characters, who pass my quality standards.
My family is getting used to accommodating my academic aspirations. Only recently I started frequenting the public library to get quality study time, free from disturbances (of children and chaos) and distractions (of my netbook, the internet and movies/ tv series). As this leaves one person less for handling certain family chores, it is somewhat difficult on my sister. Hence, we need to meet halfway.
The public library, I noticed is a popular hangout for local youngsters. Its attractiveness lies in the lack of supervision from strict and conformist parents. This is one place both girls and boys can mingle (in carparks without street lights!) under the guise of serious study. Ah, teenage romance! Little do most of these kids know of the potential dangers and heartbreaks that follow such wayward affairs with strangers.
Today, a key political figure passed away. As a nation in mourning, all radio and TV stations stopped broadcasting their usual programs and replaced it with prayers. For me, listening to radio while driving has become a great joy and addiction. This left me in a very uncomfortable and irritated state. So I was forced to listen to a CD containing very old songs from my country (Clarence W.), and it took me down a long winded memory lane.
I feel my confidence growing as I participate in company sponsored trainings and undertake new responsibilities at work. In the past 9 months alone, I have learnt and progressed a lot professionally, compared to the cumulative work done for 2 years at my previous job. Thinking back, this year has been one of much radical change from my previous life. It almost feels as if I was freed from the dark clutches of an evil monster (and by monster, I do not mean any individual person).
The decision to relocate last year was a hasty and emotional one. However, I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am happy and satisfied about the way things turned out. I even go as far as commending myself for deciding and ending my then relationship. I do not have 100% closure on it, and at times, I still look over my shoulder longingly at the familiarity of the past. However, I would not have gotten through this extremely difficult phase in life, if not for the supportive people around me.
I also realise that blog therapy works on my character like magic! I am opening up on things I usually do not and I don't feel as self conscious. Usually, my every thought, sentence and action triggers an automatic internal “OMGwonderwhatshe/hethought/willthinkofthat” response. I have also begun to feel comfortable of the fact that I'm just like everyone else when it comes to facing trials and tribulations of life and that my problems are neither special nor am I invincible.
I'm off for the night.
I confidently watch TV programs/ movies involving casualties, blood and surgery without anything as much as a flinch. I even confidently took up a First Aid course thinking that this desensitization would make me competent in such a role. However, today, witnessing and driving past a real casualty lying on the side of the road made me realize that I might be one of the first people to panic and flee such a reality.
I learnt something interesting today while attending a training. The actual course content was very technical, however this particular phrase stuck with me. People don't actually resist (external) change, contrary to popular belief. They just resist being changed. So involving people in making change would be the most effective way to go around this.
Today, I met a female helicopter pilot (one of the students on training), who also happens to be a mother/wife/ex-military officer. DAMN, some guts that is. I've placed her high on my list of real life heros! Not very often I meet such admirable and courageous characters, who pass my quality standards.
My family is getting used to accommodating my academic aspirations. Only recently I started frequenting the public library to get quality study time, free from disturbances (of children and chaos) and distractions (of my netbook, the internet and movies/ tv series). As this leaves one person less for handling certain family chores, it is somewhat difficult on my sister. Hence, we need to meet halfway.
The public library, I noticed is a popular hangout for local youngsters. Its attractiveness lies in the lack of supervision from strict and conformist parents. This is one place both girls and boys can mingle (in carparks without street lights!) under the guise of serious study. Ah, teenage romance! Little do most of these kids know of the potential dangers and heartbreaks that follow such wayward affairs with strangers.
Today, a key political figure passed away. As a nation in mourning, all radio and TV stations stopped broadcasting their usual programs and replaced it with prayers. For me, listening to radio while driving has become a great joy and addiction. This left me in a very uncomfortable and irritated state. So I was forced to listen to a CD containing very old songs from my country (Clarence W.), and it took me down a long winded memory lane.
I feel my confidence growing as I participate in company sponsored trainings and undertake new responsibilities at work. In the past 9 months alone, I have learnt and progressed a lot professionally, compared to the cumulative work done for 2 years at my previous job. Thinking back, this year has been one of much radical change from my previous life. It almost feels as if I was freed from the dark clutches of an evil monster (and by monster, I do not mean any individual person).
The decision to relocate last year was a hasty and emotional one. However, I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am happy and satisfied about the way things turned out. I even go as far as commending myself for deciding and ending my then relationship. I do not have 100% closure on it, and at times, I still look over my shoulder longingly at the familiarity of the past. However, I would not have gotten through this extremely difficult phase in life, if not for the supportive people around me.
I also realise that blog therapy works on my character like magic! I am opening up on things I usually do not and I don't feel as self conscious. Usually, my every thought, sentence and action triggers an automatic internal “OMGwonderwhatshe/hethought/willthinkofthat” response. I have also begun to feel comfortable of the fact that I'm just like everyone else when it comes to facing trials and tribulations of life and that my problems are neither special nor am I invincible.
I'm off for the night.
Monday, October 25, 2010
To my parents, with love
There is no better day to talk of the importance of loving our parents.
I came home after a long day of work and study, to a noisy and chaotic house with a child throwing tantrums. I knew with my exhaustion and hunger, I would have attacked the child. So I locked myself up in my room for 20 minutes to breathe before I went over to participate in the family obligations, even then, I didnt talk for the next 30 minutes. But what amazed me was the patience with which his mother tolerated this hungry/sleepy monster, eventhough everyone around was losing their patience while she herself was tired, sick and multi-tasking household chores. This is just a fraction of an example of how much patience and sacrifice our parents would have gone through for years before we were able to stand on our feet.
Although this bond between parents and children is primarily an evolutionary trait to ensure survival of the species, one can't help but feel guilt over not being able to repay the kindness they showed us when we were young, and still continue to do.
Every culture, every religion places filial piety - respect and love for parents - above most.
The Chinese culture alone states the following ideals:
It is never easy to listen to their every whim and fancy, specially when they appear stubborn, unreasonable and illogical. But I try.
They are no longer the strong willed, authoritarian and confident individuals I used to remember. Now, they are old, feeble, queer, unpredictable, child-like and with poor memory. And we children of the 21st century, have ventured far out from the grasps of our parents to look for better opportunities and bask in the freedom of making our own choices. Now, I meet them only once or twice per year. They are in our thoughts very often, and we worry alot when they are sick or troubled, but there is not much we can do being so far away. I know they yearn to see day they can live near their children, but that's very unlikely. We have our own lives, own lifestyles, own obligations that we can't give up easily to go and be with them. We send them cash to make up not being able to be with them and take care of them personally. And we tell ourselves we are doing our best.
When they are gone, their legacy will be glorified. We will have countless fond memories and things to be thankful for. There will even be some regrets to haunt us for the rest of our lives. And if ever we have children of our own, we will appreciate our parents even more as we experience the challenges of parenting. Such is the circle of Life.
Incidentally, my grandfather turned 100 today.
I came home after a long day of work and study, to a noisy and chaotic house with a child throwing tantrums. I knew with my exhaustion and hunger, I would have attacked the child. So I locked myself up in my room for 20 minutes to breathe before I went over to participate in the family obligations, even then, I didnt talk for the next 30 minutes. But what amazed me was the patience with which his mother tolerated this hungry/sleepy monster, eventhough everyone around was losing their patience while she herself was tired, sick and multi-tasking household chores. This is just a fraction of an example of how much patience and sacrifice our parents would have gone through for years before we were able to stand on our feet.
Although this bond between parents and children is primarily an evolutionary trait to ensure survival of the species, one can't help but feel guilt over not being able to repay the kindness they showed us when we were young, and still continue to do.
Every culture, every religion places filial piety - respect and love for parents - above most.
The Chinese culture alone states the following ideals:
- Being good to one's parents; not being rebellious, showing love, respect & support
- Taking care of one's parents
- Engaging in good conduct outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents
- Performing the duties of one's job well so as to obtain the material means to support parents
- Dissuading them from moral unrighteousness
- Carry out certain rites in their name, after their death
It is never easy to listen to their every whim and fancy, specially when they appear stubborn, unreasonable and illogical. But I try.
They are no longer the strong willed, authoritarian and confident individuals I used to remember. Now, they are old, feeble, queer, unpredictable, child-like and with poor memory. And we children of the 21st century, have ventured far out from the grasps of our parents to look for better opportunities and bask in the freedom of making our own choices. Now, I meet them only once or twice per year. They are in our thoughts very often, and we worry alot when they are sick or troubled, but there is not much we can do being so far away. I know they yearn to see day they can live near their children, but that's very unlikely. We have our own lives, own lifestyles, own obligations that we can't give up easily to go and be with them. We send them cash to make up not being able to be with them and take care of them personally. And we tell ourselves we are doing our best.
When they are gone, their legacy will be glorified. We will have countless fond memories and things to be thankful for. There will even be some regrets to haunt us for the rest of our lives. And if ever we have children of our own, we will appreciate our parents even more as we experience the challenges of parenting. Such is the circle of Life.
Incidentally, my grandfather turned 100 today.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Mass Cultural Delusions
This year for me has been all about stepping out of comfort zones, getting to know me for all that I am (whom I lost contact with years ago), building self esteem and re-evaluating my principles.
What began as a nice evening yesterday, ended up chaotic today. Meeting friends after a long time is great and watching a feel-good movie and having coffee over alot of chit chat was great too! Feeling like we could spend more time together, we decided to go ''out'' - meaning, the social phenomenon of drinking alcohol/ dancing in dimly lit bars/ clubs filled with strangers of sorts, lots of passive smoke and loud music. It follows logic that you can't bear up such inconveniences if you are not having a decent amout of alcohol in your system to cloud your judgement. But later on that...
"Eat Pray Love" the movie did not measure up to the book. Not surprising, it's impossible to put in so much detail into a movie of 2 hours. I enjoyed it more as I knew the little background stories within the story but someone new would not have appreciated it as much. It was amazing to see scenes from Italy, India and Indonesia bring life to the story which I had just read weeks ago.
I look forward to my weekends with much enthusiasm because of my music classes. I am currently the second oldest in a class of five. The oldest student is away on a vacation. So now, with more than double the years of experience and wisdom of my fellow classmates, I rule! My peers are 3 kids seemingly of ages 12, 10 and 6. Two of them are new recruits. The boy (I'm assuming he is about 10 years) who joined today clearly frequents Macdonalds for french fries and burgers, AND the fellow kept staring at the low-cut neckline of my T-shirt (yeah, bad choice of clothes - but really it's not something I would have thought of as I woke up at wee hours on a weekend to catch a taxi to class), till the uncomfortableness made me change seats. Can you believe kids these days? With the internet and other forms of media, kids wonder early about where babies come from. The girl who joined last week (she is seems around 6 years of age) rattled my core of existence with her matter-of-fact attitude and confidence as she proudly professed she knew 4 languages. Even her mannerisms in tackling the unknown were filled with so much confidence, it was humbling. Here was a nascent specimen, which had not gone through any adverse reactions in life and yet, with a property that most of us aspire to reach many years later. Life is full of lessons, even in the least expected of corners.
Honestly speaking, it is not the ideal situation of a class I imagined. However, I find the classes getting more challenging for me and I am so thankful that I found a class with a teacher who agreed to teach me. I even got the honorary title of ''Teacher's Best Student" from all her current students across two institutions, not rightly deserving of course (given my history), still it felt good to get that push of encouragement. And I accepted it with much modesty. I also made an interesting discovery this week! When playing sequences of notes at very high speeds, where there is little or no time to think, my brain and fingers automatically switch to my right-handed mode. And it is daunting because I want to understand and play well, but my body just does not coorperate and I automatically play the wires on the right side, when I should be playing the ones on my left side. It is very challenging to unlearn and relearn skills like that which took years to establish.
After class, my mission was to take public transport to go and collect my Jeep from a friend's place, where I had to leave it as I had a few cubic millilitres of alcohol in my system which made me unfit to drive back home last night (here, driving under influence of any alcohol is heavily penalised). In asking around for directions for bus routes, I made friends with a lady at the bus stop. She was quite friendly and helpful and I sat with her all the way till she got down, which was a few stops before my stop. From our conversation and facts gathered, I deduced she was involved in providing certain services to men. There is a possibility that I am wrong about her. In any case, she gave me some genuine advice, saying I need to be strong to survive in this country and that people can't be trusted and that I need to make noise when I see or experience injustice. I figure she took one look at me and realised I needed that bit of advice!
So after bus ride, a train ride, a considerable bit of walking in the mid day sun and loads of swearing at last night's few cubic millilitres of beverage, I was finally reunited my chariot. What an emotional moment it was!
My stance on alcohol?
For one thing, it truly tastes like crap.
The earliest recollections were from my curiosity phase (aged 11-13), when I have sampled several types of alcoholic drinks from my father's collection. But after that, a certain "no-alcohol" commandment in my religion gave me reason to strictly stay away from it and refuse it for the next decade.
What began as a nice evening yesterday, ended up chaotic today. Meeting friends after a long time is great and watching a feel-good movie and having coffee over alot of chit chat was great too! Feeling like we could spend more time together, we decided to go ''out'' - meaning, the social phenomenon of drinking alcohol/ dancing in dimly lit bars/ clubs filled with strangers of sorts, lots of passive smoke and loud music. It follows logic that you can't bear up such inconveniences if you are not having a decent amout of alcohol in your system to cloud your judgement. But later on that...
"Eat Pray Love" the movie did not measure up to the book. Not surprising, it's impossible to put in so much detail into a movie of 2 hours. I enjoyed it more as I knew the little background stories within the story but someone new would not have appreciated it as much. It was amazing to see scenes from Italy, India and Indonesia bring life to the story which I had just read weeks ago.
I look forward to my weekends with much enthusiasm because of my music classes. I am currently the second oldest in a class of five. The oldest student is away on a vacation. So now, with more than double the years of experience and wisdom of my fellow classmates, I rule! My peers are 3 kids seemingly of ages 12, 10 and 6. Two of them are new recruits. The boy (I'm assuming he is about 10 years) who joined today clearly frequents Macdonalds for french fries and burgers, AND the fellow kept staring at the low-cut neckline of my T-shirt (yeah, bad choice of clothes - but really it's not something I would have thought of as I woke up at wee hours on a weekend to catch a taxi to class), till the uncomfortableness made me change seats. Can you believe kids these days? With the internet and other forms of media, kids wonder early about where babies come from. The girl who joined last week (she is seems around 6 years of age) rattled my core of existence with her matter-of-fact attitude and confidence as she proudly professed she knew 4 languages. Even her mannerisms in tackling the unknown were filled with so much confidence, it was humbling. Here was a nascent specimen, which had not gone through any adverse reactions in life and yet, with a property that most of us aspire to reach many years later. Life is full of lessons, even in the least expected of corners.
Honestly speaking, it is not the ideal situation of a class I imagined. However, I find the classes getting more challenging for me and I am so thankful that I found a class with a teacher who agreed to teach me. I even got the honorary title of ''Teacher's Best Student" from all her current students across two institutions, not rightly deserving of course (given my history), still it felt good to get that push of encouragement. And I accepted it with much modesty. I also made an interesting discovery this week! When playing sequences of notes at very high speeds, where there is little or no time to think, my brain and fingers automatically switch to my right-handed mode. And it is daunting because I want to understand and play well, but my body just does not coorperate and I automatically play the wires on the right side, when I should be playing the ones on my left side. It is very challenging to unlearn and relearn skills like that which took years to establish.
After class, my mission was to take public transport to go and collect my Jeep from a friend's place, where I had to leave it as I had a few cubic millilitres of alcohol in my system which made me unfit to drive back home last night (here, driving under influence of any alcohol is heavily penalised). In asking around for directions for bus routes, I made friends with a lady at the bus stop. She was quite friendly and helpful and I sat with her all the way till she got down, which was a few stops before my stop. From our conversation and facts gathered, I deduced she was involved in providing certain services to men. There is a possibility that I am wrong about her. In any case, she gave me some genuine advice, saying I need to be strong to survive in this country and that people can't be trusted and that I need to make noise when I see or experience injustice. I figure she took one look at me and realised I needed that bit of advice!
So after bus ride, a train ride, a considerable bit of walking in the mid day sun and loads of swearing at last night's few cubic millilitres of beverage, I was finally reunited my chariot. What an emotional moment it was!
My stance on alcohol?
For one thing, it truly tastes like crap.
The earliest recollections were from my curiosity phase (aged 11-13), when I have sampled several types of alcoholic drinks from my father's collection. But after that, a certain "no-alcohol" commandment in my religion gave me reason to strictly stay away from it and refuse it for the next decade.
For another thing, the after-effects are not rosy.
Ranging from hangovers the following day to valuable hours lost to the chaos it creates in one's routine, it is a deal breaker to me.
However, it is not easy to avoid participating in this mass cultural delusion when in certain social situations that require loosening up (to make conversations), becoming less self conscious (to dance) and being numb to certain realities (like overcrowded places, people smoking in your face or shallow acquaintances). There is also a degree of tolerance and levelling up that is required when associating with friends from different cultural backgrounds. Occasionally, if a person refuses a drink, it will lead to gasps by the rest of the group followed by various questions on why that person does not drink and frequent reminders like "ARE YOU SURE you dont want a drink?" or "but WHY?" or "c'mon please have ONE" or "JUST for today", that can easily trigger one to go on a shooting spree. Resistance when being a part of such situations is difficult.
I've come to believe that one can't find one's perfect bearings on balance without the valuable lessons learnt while losing one's balance. This is a principle being re-evaluated. As for me, I no longer have an issue with taking moderate quantities of alcohol while in the certain social situations. But given a choice, I prefer to stay sober and conscious of my actual thoughts, words, and deeds.
Ranging from hangovers the following day to valuable hours lost to the chaos it creates in one's routine, it is a deal breaker to me.
However, it is not easy to avoid participating in this mass cultural delusion when in certain social situations that require loosening up (to make conversations), becoming less self conscious (to dance) and being numb to certain realities (like overcrowded places, people smoking in your face or shallow acquaintances). There is also a degree of tolerance and levelling up that is required when associating with friends from different cultural backgrounds. Occasionally, if a person refuses a drink, it will lead to gasps by the rest of the group followed by various questions on why that person does not drink and frequent reminders like "ARE YOU SURE you dont want a drink?" or "but WHY?" or "c'mon please have ONE" or "JUST for today", that can easily trigger one to go on a shooting spree. Resistance when being a part of such situations is difficult.
I've come to believe that one can't find one's perfect bearings on balance without the valuable lessons learnt while losing one's balance. This is a principle being re-evaluated. As for me, I no longer have an issue with taking moderate quantities of alcohol while in the certain social situations. But given a choice, I prefer to stay sober and conscious of my actual thoughts, words, and deeds.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Shu's Miniature Universe
A much better day....
Seriously, I believe that half the World's problems can be solved by a mere 8 hours of daily sleep, if everyone made an effort. Think about it.
Borrowed a book from the public library; something about a guy with a defective urine tract. BORINGGGG. Male authors seem to struggle with writing books involving "softer" emotions.
I have made a resolution not to talk of things I *plan* to do, instead I'll blog about it after I actually do it or initiate it.
As I type, I hear my mother asking prying questions from my sister (via Skype) about my whereabouts and the use of my newfound driving freedom. Can you believe Asian parents?! I'm way past the legal age for drinking and roaming the streets at ungodly hours, and yet, they don't get it.
Another weekend, yay, a small peak on Life's curve!
5 more days to financial freedom. The few days before pay day are the worst, living on scraps and scratching bottoms for pennies (of course, I am exaggerating a little).
Opening up to colleagues about personal things *may* come to bite you in the back. I opened up on a couple of things today, now I'm waiting for a potential bite.
Hanging out with some great friends tomorrow over a movie and coffee. Note: I have 4 types of friends - "friends", "good friends", "great friends" and "0 to100 friends", in order of increasing fondness and comfortableness while being with them.
I'm afraid of my boss! Otherwise, there is no sensible explanation for the squeaky voice and muffled words that come out when I try to talk to him. Need to figure which part of him intimidates me: his title, his social status, his intelligence, his confidence, his questions, his giant-like physique or simply his heavy footsteps.
Junior is getting better and better with his grammar each day and expressing his emotions appropriately. Today, he just swore at the "SHUCKING" door - he can't pronounce "F" yet, Thank God.
But seriously, NO, I don't believe in an omnipotent CEO God, running Universe Incorporated Pte Ltd. So what? It's just my opinion. Perhaps I'll reason out on this another time...
Reading and trying to understand academic material now is like doing the gold foil experiment. 1 in 8000 facts just bounce off the head, and the rest pass through and out of the head, concluding how much my brain has shrunk to a tiny concentrated mass over the past 3 years.
I wonder, do pets feel abandonment in the same way we do? Probably not. The abandoned cat in the car park now seems mentally stronger, she doesnt even ask to be loved and showered with attention like on the first few days. She is content to just have a meal, any meal..
I am an internet addict. I rush home to cling to my mental crutch - The Netbook - while dreading any real life activities and possibly avoiding any human contact that requires patience and effort. I barely do 5 things worthwhile on the computer. This explains the increased blogging activity lately.
Marriage? I think not. Let's face it, I wont meet that perfect guy I imagined with the many attractive and customised options, unless a prototype escaped from an advanced robotics lab, lost his way and got run over by my Jeep as I was speeding on a highway.
Superstitious I am, on nano level. I may not go hysterical over black cats, empty buckets, crossing stairways and howling dogs like my elders' generations. But superstition does work in my mind when it comes to results-driven events like exams and interviews, even though it can't be explained with any logic.
Enough rambling, I'm off to get the blessed 8 hours of sleep I am built to work with, for optimal performance.
Seriously, I believe that half the World's problems can be solved by a mere 8 hours of daily sleep, if everyone made an effort. Think about it.
Borrowed a book from the public library; something about a guy with a defective urine tract. BORINGGGG. Male authors seem to struggle with writing books involving "softer" emotions.
I have made a resolution not to talk of things I *plan* to do, instead I'll blog about it after I actually do it or initiate it.
As I type, I hear my mother asking prying questions from my sister (via Skype) about my whereabouts and the use of my newfound driving freedom. Can you believe Asian parents?! I'm way past the legal age for drinking and roaming the streets at ungodly hours, and yet, they don't get it.
Another weekend, yay, a small peak on Life's curve!
5 more days to financial freedom. The few days before pay day are the worst, living on scraps and scratching bottoms for pennies (of course, I am exaggerating a little).
Opening up to colleagues about personal things *may* come to bite you in the back. I opened up on a couple of things today, now I'm waiting for a potential bite.
Hanging out with some great friends tomorrow over a movie and coffee. Note: I have 4 types of friends - "friends", "good friends", "great friends" and "0 to100 friends", in order of increasing fondness and comfortableness while being with them.
I'm afraid of my boss! Otherwise, there is no sensible explanation for the squeaky voice and muffled words that come out when I try to talk to him. Need to figure which part of him intimidates me: his title, his social status, his intelligence, his confidence, his questions, his giant-like physique or simply his heavy footsteps.
Junior is getting better and better with his grammar each day and expressing his emotions appropriately. Today, he just swore at the "SHUCKING" door - he can't pronounce "F" yet, Thank God.
But seriously, NO, I don't believe in an omnipotent CEO God, running Universe Incorporated Pte Ltd. So what? It's just my opinion. Perhaps I'll reason out on this another time...
Reading and trying to understand academic material now is like doing the gold foil experiment. 1 in 8000 facts just bounce off the head, and the rest pass through and out of the head, concluding how much my brain has shrunk to a tiny concentrated mass over the past 3 years.
I wonder, do pets feel abandonment in the same way we do? Probably not. The abandoned cat in the car park now seems mentally stronger, she doesnt even ask to be loved and showered with attention like on the first few days. She is content to just have a meal, any meal..
I am an internet addict. I rush home to cling to my mental crutch - The Netbook - while dreading any real life activities and possibly avoiding any human contact that requires patience and effort. I barely do 5 things worthwhile on the computer. This explains the increased blogging activity lately.
Marriage? I think not. Let's face it, I wont meet that perfect guy I imagined with the many attractive and customised options, unless a prototype escaped from an advanced robotics lab, lost his way and got run over by my Jeep as I was speeding on a highway.
Superstitious I am, on nano level. I may not go hysterical over black cats, empty buckets, crossing stairways and howling dogs like my elders' generations. But superstition does work in my mind when it comes to results-driven events like exams and interviews, even though it can't be explained with any logic.
Enough rambling, I'm off to get the blessed 8 hours of sleep I am built to work with, for optimal performance.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My special carbon footprint
Does it ever bother you to see the alarming amounts of polythene and plastic we use and chuck away like there is no tomorrow? For me, it mostly does. But for the rest of the time, I just use and chuck it away without an ounce of concern.
Forget all the cows belching carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, forget the factories in developing countries coughing out smoke and mass producing non-biodegradable products, forget the vehicles in third world countries emitting toxic gases without any regulations, forget the shiploads of garbage and sewage they dump into the oceans. Those are what the experts like to bring to our attention. And when they talk about such things that don't seem to affect our today and tomorrow, we just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear because, really, who cares about some melting glacier in the Arctic or some species going extinct? I don't even believe that in my lifetime, any serious harm can come to me out of this much-hyped topic of global warming. All I care for mostly is keeping myself happy, entertained, fed and paid.
BUT,
If I stopped and just looked at myself carefully, I see the grocery bags that I don't care to recycle, the chargers and computers I keep running all night for nothing, the fuel I burn as I drive around for fun, the lights and airconditioning that I let run for nothing, the newspapers I just crumple and throw away, the gallons of water I let run waste as I soap the dishes and brush my teeth, just to name a few. These things bug me on a very subtle level and it is easy to drown that voice of righteousness, when comfort and convenience dangle promises of luxury and sophistication.
I try to tread as softly as I can on this earth, whenever I can, so my footprint is not too deep. Certainly, more can be done.
Forget all the cows belching carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, forget the factories in developing countries coughing out smoke and mass producing non-biodegradable products, forget the vehicles in third world countries emitting toxic gases without any regulations, forget the shiploads of garbage and sewage they dump into the oceans. Those are what the experts like to bring to our attention. And when they talk about such things that don't seem to affect our today and tomorrow, we just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear because, really, who cares about some melting glacier in the Arctic or some species going extinct? I don't even believe that in my lifetime, any serious harm can come to me out of this much-hyped topic of global warming. All I care for mostly is keeping myself happy, entertained, fed and paid.
BUT,
If I stopped and just looked at myself carefully, I see the grocery bags that I don't care to recycle, the chargers and computers I keep running all night for nothing, the fuel I burn as I drive around for fun, the lights and airconditioning that I let run for nothing, the newspapers I just crumple and throw away, the gallons of water I let run waste as I soap the dishes and brush my teeth, just to name a few. These things bug me on a very subtle level and it is easy to drown that voice of righteousness, when comfort and convenience dangle promises of luxury and sophistication.
I try to tread as softly as I can on this earth, whenever I can, so my footprint is not too deep. Certainly, more can be done.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Dragonflies
When life throws me a challenge, I lose interest. Then I hop onto the next leaf, hoping I'll find something interesting there that will keep me happy.
I think I have lost interest in my job. That is something to be concerned about because jobs are hard to come by these days. My company is on a staff cutting phase and already in the past few weeks, several employees were retrenched. Losing my current job would have serious implications on me. However, due the the nature of my responsibilities, I have a less probability of getting laid off, unless I perform poorly. Within a matter of months, I gradually stopped reporting regulary to my boss. This has to do with him not taking an active interest in doing my performance review at the end of my probation period of 6 months (Seriously Shu, GET OVER IT). Recently, I showed much enthusiasm over welfare activities, which included suggesting the company replace some of the freely available carbonated drinks with more healthier alternatives! That made him realise that I probably had too less work. So he informed me to report to him weekly on my work and introduced me to the beginning of gigantic project, to be undertaken on my own. The thought of the project itself made me queasy because I still have no idea on how to start it, let alone tackle it afterwards. For 2 days now, I have been stalling... waiting for inspiration to smite me.
To add to that, I have no peace after work. For the past 3 days, I was dragged out of the house on family and social committments. And somewhere during that time, I seem to have caught a flu bug.
I've been trying hard to hop onto a new leaf today: The Public Library. But rotten luck made their IT infrastructure fail so I was not successful gaining the membership during my lunch break.
Coffee helps me stay awake at work. Chewing lots of gum helps too.
Now, I am off to the noisy park full of screaming kids and their guardians, so junior can finally have an outing. Maybe some fresh air will do me some good and cure me of this blasted headache.
Shu badly needs some peaceful sleep and a ray of sunshine. Or maybe even a small shower of rain might cheer her up.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My sisters from another world
I thought I should deviate a bit from the gloomy topics I have been touching on lately.
I got a phone call in the morning from a friend (or should I say a sister) who is now studying in Australia. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her voice after a long time. After I left home when I was 18, it was as if our little family was torn apart. Now, we only have rare occasions of communication and try to catch up on our changed lives as much as we could over the luxury of a long distance phone call that we can't always afford.
For convenience of narration and to protect their privacy, I shall call her R and her sister, D.
One day, long long ago when I used to be 7 years old, I came after school to find two dark girls of seemingly equal age standing outside my house. One of them was D. I was confused as to what these strangers were doing in my garden. After some time, I was informed by my mother that the two of them had come from a far away remote town to school in our town and they were here to stay with us to go to school. Of course, I didnt like it one bit at first. They were strange looking, strangely dressed, already teamed up and I was supposed to share my house and my life with them!
It didnt take long for us to bond because thats what children are good at. We were of the same age and in the same grade in school. But our personalities were very different. I was bold and stubborn. One of them was shrewd and adventurous. D was timid and emotional (even at that age, but we have to forgive her for she lost her father at a very young age). Before long, we earned the local nickname "The 3 Musketeers", for running around the housing scheme loudly as possible, exploring abandoned houses, stealing fruits from neighbours, riding bicycles at high speeds and just chattering loudly wherever we went. Many memorable events, involving adventure and growing up took place over the years and most of them are still so fresh in my mind. It is impossible to write all the stories of crazy cows, exotic hobbies, pranks, animal burials and similar things in one blog page. Some of us still carry the "war wounds" of our tiny battles. Within 2 years, one of them left to another country and only D stayed on with us. Soon, D's sister R, joined the club.
R was another personality altogether, she was all things angelic and responsible! We had successfuly managed to change D from her timid self to a mischievious one. But R was always our conscience, our shield from my strict mother, and a perfect element to balance the dynamics of this trio. We had another era of great memories totalling 11 years. Despite differences in race (mind you, we were of the opposite races that fuelled the civil war in our country at the time), we grew up sharing joy, enduring pain and caring long enough that our bonds ran deeper than blood.
So much has changed; our lives, our families, our surroundings, our selves. We are so much older now but I still miss them and everything that we once shared. It pains me to hear when they are passing difficult times in their own lives now. And I still do secretly wish that tables turn and we'll get to atleast live in the same country one day...
Love you guys, may you always be the best at what you do and find the best things in life to keep you happy and guide you...
And I like to end this night with this magical and moving musical piece (thanks NR):
"Downstream" from Braid Soundtrack
I got a phone call in the morning from a friend (or should I say a sister) who is now studying in Australia. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her voice after a long time. After I left home when I was 18, it was as if our little family was torn apart. Now, we only have rare occasions of communication and try to catch up on our changed lives as much as we could over the luxury of a long distance phone call that we can't always afford.
For convenience of narration and to protect their privacy, I shall call her R and her sister, D.
One day, long long ago when I used to be 7 years old, I came after school to find two dark girls of seemingly equal age standing outside my house. One of them was D. I was confused as to what these strangers were doing in my garden. After some time, I was informed by my mother that the two of them had come from a far away remote town to school in our town and they were here to stay with us to go to school. Of course, I didnt like it one bit at first. They were strange looking, strangely dressed, already teamed up and I was supposed to share my house and my life with them!
It didnt take long for us to bond because thats what children are good at. We were of the same age and in the same grade in school. But our personalities were very different. I was bold and stubborn. One of them was shrewd and adventurous. D was timid and emotional (even at that age, but we have to forgive her for she lost her father at a very young age). Before long, we earned the local nickname "The 3 Musketeers", for running around the housing scheme loudly as possible, exploring abandoned houses, stealing fruits from neighbours, riding bicycles at high speeds and just chattering loudly wherever we went. Many memorable events, involving adventure and growing up took place over the years and most of them are still so fresh in my mind. It is impossible to write all the stories of crazy cows, exotic hobbies, pranks, animal burials and similar things in one blog page. Some of us still carry the "war wounds" of our tiny battles. Within 2 years, one of them left to another country and only D stayed on with us. Soon, D's sister R, joined the club.
R was another personality altogether, she was all things angelic and responsible! We had successfuly managed to change D from her timid self to a mischievious one. But R was always our conscience, our shield from my strict mother, and a perfect element to balance the dynamics of this trio. We had another era of great memories totalling 11 years. Despite differences in race (mind you, we were of the opposite races that fuelled the civil war in our country at the time), we grew up sharing joy, enduring pain and caring long enough that our bonds ran deeper than blood.
So much has changed; our lives, our families, our surroundings, our selves. We are so much older now but I still miss them and everything that we once shared. It pains me to hear when they are passing difficult times in their own lives now. And I still do secretly wish that tables turn and we'll get to atleast live in the same country one day...
Love you guys, may you always be the best at what you do and find the best things in life to keep you happy and guide you...
And I like to end this night with this magical and moving musical piece (thanks NR):
"Downstream" from Braid Soundtrack
The stone carver
Today has been a fruitful day; much work done and less conflict.
The other day, I had a very stimulating and enlightening conversation with a very opiniated friend of mine :) It was about how conveniently we (I) blamed our parents for our current weaknesses and challenges. I stuck with this conviction so hard for so many years, out of convenience and cowardliness on my part. But something that came out of that conversation hit me in a way that I don't think I can blame them again. Now I have a broader perspective; I see the immense amount of courage and hardship my parents endured to bring us up, with no right guides and very little help. If we are in a position and level of maturity to indentify root causes of our current limitations, we may as well be able to find ways to overcome such challenges and assume responsibility for our own actions.
Though it is part of an insignificant past now, today reminds me of the day, some years back, I said 'yes' to my then boyfriend who asked me out. In our immaturity and innocence, little did we know of the turbulent journey we would take in the next 5 years. Looking back, from a fresh and nearly-objective perspective, it was all but a challenging phase with much lessons learnt and moulding of character. Why do I mention it? Because my mind loves to glorify memories of highly emotional natures.
I am always affected by animal cruelty and wonder at the level of thinking which can lead one to such acts. Two days ago, two cats were abandoned at a car park near our residential building. We managed to feed them some milk. That was the least we could do as we were not in a position to adopt them. One of them was a kitten, probably a month old and still suckling from its mother when it was ripped away and abandoned. On the first night, it screamed its heart out for its mother the whole night. The very next day it was gone. It could have been run over or even adopted (I hope it was the latter). The other cat however, was more mature and able to adapt, so it still survives in the neighbourhood. If it does not face any abuse or vehicle accidents, it will survive. Life is just too harsh for some.
Too sleepy to organise other thoughts right now.... nite!
The other day, I had a very stimulating and enlightening conversation with a very opiniated friend of mine :) It was about how conveniently we (I) blamed our parents for our current weaknesses and challenges. I stuck with this conviction so hard for so many years, out of convenience and cowardliness on my part. But something that came out of that conversation hit me in a way that I don't think I can blame them again. Now I have a broader perspective; I see the immense amount of courage and hardship my parents endured to bring us up, with no right guides and very little help. If we are in a position and level of maturity to indentify root causes of our current limitations, we may as well be able to find ways to overcome such challenges and assume responsibility for our own actions.
Though it is part of an insignificant past now, today reminds me of the day, some years back, I said 'yes' to my then boyfriend who asked me out. In our immaturity and innocence, little did we know of the turbulent journey we would take in the next 5 years. Looking back, from a fresh and nearly-objective perspective, it was all but a challenging phase with much lessons learnt and moulding of character. Why do I mention it? Because my mind loves to glorify memories of highly emotional natures.
I am always affected by animal cruelty and wonder at the level of thinking which can lead one to such acts. Two days ago, two cats were abandoned at a car park near our residential building. We managed to feed them some milk. That was the least we could do as we were not in a position to adopt them. One of them was a kitten, probably a month old and still suckling from its mother when it was ripped away and abandoned. On the first night, it screamed its heart out for its mother the whole night. The very next day it was gone. It could have been run over or even adopted (I hope it was the latter). The other cat however, was more mature and able to adapt, so it still survives in the neighbourhood. If it does not face any abuse or vehicle accidents, it will survive. Life is just too harsh for some.
Too sleepy to organise other thoughts right now.... nite!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
'Till death do us part - 1
This is the life! A quiet weekend, driving around, reading, eating instant food, watching sitcoms and chatting idly with good friends.
I've found a new book to read called "Princess". So far, it is pretty horrific from what's related as a true story.
I must add that after posting my last blog, I did a bit of self reflection. I parted with my sunglasses, much like Bilbo did with the Ring, because it was the right thing to do. And I must say, I really feel a whole lot better now than when it was "mine".
There is a recurring issue that has been bugging me lately. It's like tinnitus, only it's getting louder with time: finding a suitable mate and getting settled. I've reached the point in age where the elders (by elders I mean people who have passed this milestone) think it is high time I gave up my free and single life to take up responsibility in participating in the circle of life. On this vibe, it is like all the daggers of the universe have turned at me. My parents worry obsessively, I know. People ask if I am married and when I say no, I can see concerned expressions. Some people suggest I should start socialising and meeting new people, some say I should look for suitors working in particular industries, some say I should settle down soon before it is too late to have children, even my so-called friends ask me if there are any updates on the dating situation since they last checked 2 weeks ago. Relatives and family friends are starting to talk and question my parents. The social pressure alone makes it feel like a trap, where a wild animal is being cornered only to be strapped with a ticking time bomb.
My thoughts on this?
I have stuggled to put my thoughts together in a little paragraph for hours, but I give up. I think I'll collect my thoughts and revisit this topic when it is not so overwhelming...
I've found a new book to read called "Princess". So far, it is pretty horrific from what's related as a true story.
I must add that after posting my last blog, I did a bit of self reflection. I parted with my sunglasses, much like Bilbo did with the Ring, because it was the right thing to do. And I must say, I really feel a whole lot better now than when it was "mine".
There is a recurring issue that has been bugging me lately. It's like tinnitus, only it's getting louder with time: finding a suitable mate and getting settled. I've reached the point in age where the elders (by elders I mean people who have passed this milestone) think it is high time I gave up my free and single life to take up responsibility in participating in the circle of life. On this vibe, it is like all the daggers of the universe have turned at me. My parents worry obsessively, I know. People ask if I am married and when I say no, I can see concerned expressions. Some people suggest I should start socialising and meeting new people, some say I should look for suitors working in particular industries, some say I should settle down soon before it is too late to have children, even my so-called friends ask me if there are any updates on the dating situation since they last checked 2 weeks ago. Relatives and family friends are starting to talk and question my parents. The social pressure alone makes it feel like a trap, where a wild animal is being cornered only to be strapped with a ticking time bomb.
My thoughts on this?
I have stuggled to put my thoughts together in a little paragraph for hours, but I give up. I think I'll collect my thoughts and revisit this topic when it is not so overwhelming...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Satanic Child
Humans, in all their great outward appearances and charming personalities, try very hard to conceal their weaknesses and evil intentions.
Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.
Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.
Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?
Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?
Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?
As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.
I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.
Until next time, may goodness rule again.
Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.
Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.
Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?
Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?
Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?
As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.
I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.
Until next time, may goodness rule again.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Scylla or Charybdis?
There are some days you just wake up and wonder "What the hell am I doing?" or "Where the hell am I going?"
I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.
On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.
On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.
"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.
I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.
On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.
On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.
"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)