The Satanic Child

Humans, in all their great outward appearances and charming personalities, try very hard to conceal their weaknesses and evil intentions.

Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.

Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.

Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?

Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?

Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?

As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.

I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.

Until next time, may goodness rule again.