Survivor: Homeland

Midway into her vacation, she is neither looking forward to the rest of it nor starting work after the end of it! Shu always wants the impossible.

She's rarely been home and in the past few days as she went on a couple of trips, had a few get-togethers and met close people. Other times at home, she was busy being pissed off at her mother's irrational, long-winded, emotional and illogical dramas. Her family is so dysfunctional in terms of communication, like many other families.

Class reunions are happy events with lots of laughter. She met a few old buddies from school after many years. Unlike when forming new relationships, she finds it easier to re-bond with old friends in a matter of minutes and reminisce on past stories and current gossip.

Shu has once again gained superior status over leeches, after bravely removing over 10 leeches from her feet on her own! Man, they are persuasive! Leeches are nowhere as bad as cockroaches anyway. Now she wonders what kind of idiot would give a creature a name like COCK-ROACH.

Shu initially thought she is The definition of anti-social. Maybe she was wrong. She loves chatting and keeping in touch with people she calls close. Now why does she deliberately not let people get close to her too easily? Afterall, she deals with superficial relationships that require alot of effort on her part on a regular basis. I think she stalls time, until she gets to observe, do her own tests and make conclusions on whether people can be trusted with the knowledge of her vulnerabilities.

Shu worries about her future. She is not usually the type to compare and feel bad, but a lot of people she knows, know by now what they they want to do/ not want to do, where they want to head in life, etc. She is still clueless and afraid to make any sudden moves that might have dire consequences. She feels at ease in being in an environment that requires her effort to make things right, spot irregularities and reduce chaos. But she longs for being part of an environment that would use her strengths for a Noble cause.

No doubt, she began life on one of the most beautiful locations on Earth! These are indeed some of nature's most amazing creations.

Home Sweet Home

I'm back home for a holiday, after one long year. I was dreading the days that led to this holiday, simply because I've become so unfamiliar with this land I grew up and I have, unfortunately, come to resent many of its ways.

After an uneventful flight (meaning one with no food, tv or troublesome strangers) I landed. It is always such a relief when you feel the wheels of the plane hit the ground. My first impressions were very much different from what Russel Peters described in his trip to India. MY sophisticated ass turned local so fast, it's like I never missed 7 years in this country at all. Everything seemed so normal and familiar. My 3-hour drive back home - seeing the green rice fields, the stray cows and dogs, the people who work too hard to support their families, the pollution, the chaotic traffic conditions - was all it took to feel like I belonged here again.

Another thing took me by surprise. As I was driven home by my dad and asked many times if I needed to eat this or drink that on the way, I realised it's nice to be taken care of for a change. I had really forgotten that feeling. I am always on a "got to fight my own battles" mode which makes it nearly impossible for me to let go and let anyone to get close or try to help.

My parents are so sweet, specially my dad. They are so thrilled to have us and they love spending time with junior. He is winning hearts wherever he goes. And he is getting to experience so many new things here which he usually doesnt get to feel in his metropolitan home.

The rest of the days are going to be busy. A lot of relatives and old friends to meet, a lot of places to go, a lot of things to do. And if I learn to live through the bad internet connection, the dust and exhaust fumes, the mad road rules or rather the lack of them, the multitude of pests (cockroaches, leeches, ants, mosquitos and flies) and not forgeting, THE STARES, I'll be fine!

I wonder if my Jeep and violin miss me...haha...

The Hypocritic Oath

Today, I had to go see a doctor during my 1-hour lunch break. I was late for my appointment by 20 minutes.

When I got there, there were no other patients. I sat outside the doctor's room, waiting and waiting. A nurse accidently left the door to the doctor's office open and I saw, to my horror, that the doctor was having a chat with another doctor friend of hers as I waited impatiently! Hungry, sick people, trying to do their personal errands during lunch break are rarely patient and understanding. Strike One. Then maybe her friend saw my glare, she left. I was called in and the doctor had the most cold and unfriendly attitude. She barely looked me in the face and while talking to a nurse outside, she said "SIT". It was hard to tell if she was talking to me or someone else, but it had to be me. It got worse, as she did her examinations on me (for my flu symptoms), she left the door wide open, so everyone walking by the corridor could see. Crazy ***** I thought. Strike Two. Then I answered her truthfully explaining I had blocked sinuses, severe headache, cough, runny nose, no sore throat and no fever. And she prescribed me with panadol, strepsils and one antihistamine. Dammit woman, if panadol and strepsils worked, I would not have paid such an exhorbitant consultation fee and come to see you in the first place. Strike Three.

I was angry at that doctor for most part of the day, for her "couldn't care less" attitude. I felt doctors had an obligation to be more sympathetic towards patients. I also thought, hey even *I* could do a better job than her in terms of being concerned for a patient. I even typed a "The world can do a lot better if there were a few extra doctors who gave a shit" status on Facebook, but something hit me just before I hit the "Share" button.

These were also humans, just like us. Subject to many moods, probably worrying about other issues. Not every doctor can be expected to be selfless and at the community's disposal like that. I for one, can't quite fuss over not being treated the way I would have liked. For them to tend to patients and be concerned/ pretend to be concerned can't be that easy, especially with long shifts and many patient appointments throughout the day. Imagine the number of times a day we complain over our jobs, why can't they have the same feelings about their job? Personality tests are not a pre-requisite for medical students so not everyone who tops the class and has the finances to do a medical degree are inclined towards such a demanding and selfless profession.

So if one day you met a doctor who made you smile through your pain and made you feel better almost instantly, know that you just met a noble soul.

Tick-Tock

Nowadays, 24 hours is simply NOT enough to squeeze in 6 hours of sleep (let alone 8 hours) AND do my other "important" things. To make up for this shortage of time, I give up (gladly) on tending to my families and friends, I give up on a few precious hours of sleep, I give up (gladly) on studies, I give up on eating proper food, I give up on thinking of ways to climb upwards in this life, I give up on a healthy & balanced lifestyle and I give up on invaluable ME-time.

Nevertheless, in 2 days time, I shall travel to my Home, where 24 hours is WAY too much time. Back to simpler times. A place where nothing seems to have changed since I left in 2004, a place where birds chirp in the morning, a place where the wind blows and the rustle of leaves follow shortly after, a place where all resources must be used in moderation, a place where patience is not just a virtue, but a survival skill.

The Birthday Party

This weekend is all about making my nephew's 3rd birthday party a success!

I am his only super-cool aunt so it is my pleasure to do all I can to make this one memorable. Plus, living with him in the past one year, I've come to somewhat like him, and as naughty and impossible as he is sometimes, he is a good kid (as opposed to an evil, wicked and cunning kid). We have a special relationship. I don't spoil him or tolerate his tantrums. I don't even play with him too much. He is not clingy towards me. He does not act spoilt when I am around. He likes to hang out with me to do things like going for a drive in the Jeep, holding my hand when he is crossing a road, doing laundry or playing the violin with me.

His mother, has been planning and preparing for this party for MONTHS. For the most part, I've ignored her plans in the early months since I knew these plans were subject to many changes (and yes, the final plan for tomorrow is very much different from the initial ideas). But she's a star, and she's got everything perfected, mapped, listed and under-control (and I stress, under CONTROL!!).

I am usually family-friendly on weekends. On weekdays, I am self-centered, bitter and anti-human. So today, I've been able to put in alot of manpower to clean, cut and chop ingredients for the many delicious dishes and desserts that will be prepared, under the supervision of the Head Chef, my sis. I have no issues with working as directed by her since she cooks REALLY WELL, and for siblings, we do get on quite well. We find a near-perfect equilibrium as she likes to be bossy and mother-like and I like to be showered with attention, spoilt and treated like a child (yes, I know that does not sound normal). Also this year, I am more useful in being the chauffeur and errand-runner. In previous years, my sis had to literally run the whole show, in addition to being the only driver in the house. I think our mom did a good job in raising us to be independent.

So tomorrow is the big day. Venue to be decorated, signages to be hung, food, cake and helium balloons to be collected, photos to be taken, ushering to be done, kids to be entertained, certain guests to be dropped after the party, cleaning up, going to work the next morning .... brrrr.... it's going to be F.U.N.

An ideal world

I reach out to that curious-looking white door. I hesitate. I turn its shiny, golden knob and take a peek. Suddenly, I'm blinded by a bright, overwhelming stream of fear mixed with despair and uncertainty. I shut the door quickly and walk away. Not now.

I would like to see the world in absolute terms to make things seem simpler. No ambiguities. I would like the world to have one standard that applies to all. No double standards. I would like to have transparency in human interactions. No deceit. I would like to have universal rules which are followed precisely. No chaos. I would like to have clear, logical explanations to life's occurances. No doubts. I would like to have an established, tried-and-tested guide to reach any destination. No risks.

I would like to know all there is to know and be certain about what needs to be done.

Yes, if only..

Let's burn this place down

The last month of 2010! Didn't realise how fast this year flew by.

Haven't really blogged lately, not for lack of ideas, but more for lack of motivation.

Food and Sleep are like a religion to Shu. I surprise myself at how angry, violent and irrational I can get when I am food-deprived or sleep-deprived. On the topic of annoying things, I also get super angry at people who keep me waiting and people who give false promises that they can't deliver. Let's analyse. Regarding the sense of punctuality, it is understandable that sometimes people get late due to unforeseen circumstances, so I can live with isolated cases like that. What really gets me though are selfish people who DONT realise the value of another's time and get late ALL the time, like nothing's wrong with that. They don't even FEEL bad about it and that's twisted. About people over-promising and under-delivering, there is an idiot who has talked about giving me an entire season of Big Bang Theory for many months now. (Let's not touch the topic of illegally distributed media here). All talk and no action. Fine, if you can't keep your word for whatever reason (dementia, amnesia, retardedness, laziness, etc), but INFORMING would be nice.

More on annoying things, I have 4 days off, including the weekend. I was so looking forward to a nice relaxed weekend, to catch up on my things. For 2 days now, I've been dragged into pointless family outings. Outings where HOURS are spent on walking around buying nothing or overspending. On top of that, being called for one thing or the other every few minutes that I am TRYING to do some work at home. ARGHHHH.

We are almost ready to visit the home country. NOT looking forward to it. Suitcases and bags from shopping trips are thrown on the bed, to be sorted in the next few days. It is always an expensive affair to go home during the festive season and fulfill expectations of gifts/presents from "abroad" for relatives, family friends and neighbours (some of whom we don't know OR like). The irony of it all.

The power of songs

With songs, I can ALWAYS find one that nearly (or sometimes perfectly) expresses the type of emotion I am going through at any given moment in time. It happens so that some singer/song writer was thinking the same thing in one of his/her songs. Yes, it makes life easy for those who can't figure out their own emotions and helps some express their emotions with an artistic twist.

Been having alot of things to blog about so during the day, I noted them on a post it, and in the evening, I forgot about it and left it inside a book inside the Jeep. Way to go, Shuri! Now, those things will have to wait.

The song below has some ridiculous, immature lyrics. But having said that, I really do like the tune of this song!

I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah) - I think he has watched too many movies, in any case, I don't think she expects him to catch a grenade for her. And not like it would save anyone's life if both were roughly standing on the same spot.

Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah) - looks like this guy wants the girl to look after him when he is handicapped and unable to use his hands, Ooo-Kayy

I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah) - BUT WHY?? Maybe, if you were trying to save a cow or an elephant on the rail track, it can be considered noble.

You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah) - knock yourself some common sense, perhaps??

Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain! - So he wants to leave her with an emotional and social scar, after he makes a dramatic exit?

Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same. (I say this girl is smarter than the guy)

Disclaimer: No disrespect is intended to the singer. I think he has a alot of singing talent and potential.

The black rimmed pair of spectacles

It is funny how random conversations can thaw glaciers of ancient memories. This blog is about a special teacher of mine.

She was my Grade 4 (I was aged 9) class teacher. From the first day I met her, on my first day of school, she wore white. I learnt later that she did this after one of her parents had passed away. In addition to being our class teacher, she was also our Mathematics, Comprehension and Reading teacher. She was strict too. I remember on the very first day of school, she was having a Comprehension class and she asked me what the meaning of "rare" was. I clearly remember, being terrified as I stuttered "means very few, like good people are rare". I can also still remember very vividly certain lessons she taught, it was as if she knew perfectly how to arouse our imagination and get us absorbed into the story. There was one particular story about a quiet teacher (Miss Esta Maude) who led a double life. She was a racer by night and BAHROOOMMM BAHRREEEEEEMMMMM went her bright red racing car as it sped along the streets of her quiet town. My teacher would read to us with so much expression that most kids just stared at her, open-eyed and wide-mouthed with so much interest!

She was a very dedicated and talented teacher. She was petite and thin and wore a pair of thick black rimmed spectacles, which was what triggered me to write this blog. She once asked the class if they saw her spectacles as she searched high and low for it. Everyone giggled. It was on her head the whole time!

With her encouragement and guidance, I quickly transitioned and progressed in her subjects, coming from a school with a different language medium. I fell in love with Mathematics thanks to her. She had very interesting teaching methods. At the start of each Maths lesson, we had to draw a circle on the top right corner of the page with a 25 cent coin with the lesson number and by the end of the day, we had to complete the assignments and get the circle signed by her. At the end of the month she would punish all those who didnt have her signature on those circles so only a few got away. She even rewarded us for good work. Like once she taught us a new game called "French Cricket" and gave her class time for us to play!

Once though, I hit a boy in class with a broomstick. More like poked his stomach really hard. We were playing "catchers", boys versus girls. Anyone caught would be "locked", unable to move till someone "free" would come and "release" them. On this day, all the girls were caught except for me and I was the only one left to free the rest of them. Four boys were after me to catch me and assume victory, but I just could not let them, so I attacked one of them, hoping to scare them off. But he was hurt and my teacher pulled me up and gave a long and embarassing public lecture, which didn't feel so great.

Many many years later, I completed my A/Ls and while I was waiting to hear from my applications to universities, I took up a temporary teaching job at my school. The Principal was happy to recruit cheap labourers and some cash and working experience looked good on our resumes. Win-win. I was asked to take up responsiblity as the substitute Grade 4 class teacher, in place of that same teacher. They told me it was only temporary and to make sure the students didn't miss out on the lessons and were able to write the term-end exams. I agreed. I learnt later that this teacher was battling away with the last stages of breast cancer. She never came back to school. She didn't even want us to go and see her on her last few days. I only heard about her from time to time from another teacher. A few months later, she passed away. But the surprising thing was that I was here, teaching those same lessons she taught me when I was these children's age. I was not even half as good as her, but I gave it my best. Countless times I remembered her as I taught in that class.

The last I saw of her was at our final year awards and induction ceremony for the prefects. When I spoke to her then, I could see she was very proud of all her students. That's the amazing thing about good teachers. They are like the great winds that steer the course of our tiny ships. And even years after they are gone, their greatness is spoken about and in this case, even blogged!

A weekend comes to an end and I have work tomorrow!

Communication lines

The day started with sad news. The cat we have been looking after fondly and feeding at the car park had been run over by a vehicle and died an unpleasant death. My nephew, who is 3 years old, can't grasp the fact of death yet so he kept calling for "Kitty". Many years back, I would have been devastated over such news, being the emotional creature I am. However, this time, I was able to accept the truth for what it was, realising that all things come to an end after it runs its course. There was consolation in knowing that we made sure it didn't die of starvation, while it was alive.

Manners taught by parents and learnt by individual observation vary across cultures, places and ages. Today I came home after a round of heavy shopping, consisting of about 8-10 bags. I parked the vehicle outside the building with the hazard lights on and unloaded the bags to the step outside the lobby with several trips. I then called up my apartment and ask for the lobby door to be opened. Then I moved the bags to the inside of the lobby one by one, while managing a sliding door that closed automatically. Then I left the things there till I parked the vehicle and returned to the lobby. All the while I was doing this, there were two groups of men, one consisting of 5 and the other consisting of 2, standing right there watching me as they carried on their chatter. Now I am not saying they should have jumped in to help me or it was rude of them to just keep watching. I was perfectly capable of managing the task with a little extra effort. And I might have even preferred not to be approached by strangers to assist me. However, it is hard not to state that another group of people from an entirely different culture may have reacted differently to the situation, based on what they were taught/ learnt while growing up.

Maintaining good communication lines with people is important. We learn about it, we read about it and we even know the consequences of not following it. Yet, in real life, not everyone has the competence to follow it. Often, this leads to conflicts and misunderstandings. Once spoken, harsh words are difficult to take back. So next time, let's try to exercise more caution, shall we?

This is a catchy song that Shu likes. A bit of info on this artist: he was born in 1985 (so young!) to a Belgian mother and Rwandan father. This track reached #1 in a number of different countries starting May 2010, and still continues to remain popular. In my opinion, there is a great contrast in his voice and his facial features. His simplicity and portrayal of realism in the video is a refreshing change!

"Alors on danse" by Stromae

The Golden Ticket

I had a sheer stroke of luck last Wednesday when I won tickets to go and watch Day 1 of the Formula 1 Grand Prix 2010. Now I'm no fan of racing, but this seemed like the opportunity of a life time, and turned out, IT WAS!

Major details of how I won is unimportant. It was a fun quiz organised by the company and I got the highest score. The prize announced earlier was a couple of tickets to a theme park. However, in the last minute, the CEO threw in a couple of extra tickets for the Formula 1 race, that he had purchased, for which I am guessing he could not go. So plankton like me, right down in the food chain, felt like we hit a jackpot. Those tickets even included a free pass to a Kanye West concert later in the day. Should have seen my face light up, when I learnt of the bonus prizes! I think only Charlie's emotions when he found the last golden ticket inside a Wonka Bar could come close to that moment. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating a little. But this kind of thing doesn't happen to me everyday.

After getting over the many hours of shock, disbelief and joy, I had to pick a partner to accompany me to the race. It was not easy, on such short notice. I had 3 girl friends from work who are my closest friends. To pick one seemed impossible and heartless. Then I thought, I'll take another friend who I wasn't so close to. He agreed but ditched me later with a bunch of excuses. I tossed and turned in a state of insomnia most of that night, trying to figure it out. Early next day, I sent a sms to my closest friends from work explaining the situation. One of them was going on a vacation to Maldives in a couple of days, so I eliminated her, as I justified that she was already getting a chance to enjoy herself. One of them had gone to the F1 last year so she suggested that I take the 3rd friend. So it all ended peacefully and I had a partner!

The night before the races, some of us drove 2 hours for a free Sean Paul concert and drove back afterwards, reaching home at about 5:30a.m. It was a good concert overall. This was the first concert of its kind I have attended in about 10 years!! Our group consisted of a young guy, who had no issues making a total ass out of himself with some very goofy dance moves. It helped to smudge the fact I had only a couple of outdated dance moves from high school. Only one girl in our group had it in her to groove naturally to reggae. No surprises, she is from Africa!

The day arrived. A mere 3 hours of precious sleep later, and I was off to pick my F1 partner and drive 2 hours to the racing circuit. My Jeep - Chariotte, whose name was recently feminised by my French friend (also my F1 partner), was our faithful and reliable steed.

The F1 village was just jaw-dropping. Amazing. Gigantic. No words of mine can bring justice to how well built and organised it was. From the architecture to the well-trained friendly staff, I was totally blown away.

We did not see the F1 drivers up close and missed an autograph session as we were late, but we did see them racing and coming to their respective stations to change tyres. I also learnt a few extra names of these drivers! I think I only knew about 5 names before I arrived there. After sightseeing and enjoying the many events the day had to offer, we headed to the Kanye West concert. Another night of dancing and listening to booming music in a sea of people, all in the warm circle of my 3 closest friends here (2 of them who I could not take for the races, had managed to get free tickets just for the concert! The girl from Africa somehow gets what she wants!). I presume that with time and practice, my dancing would get better and the number of moves I have will increase and I'll stop dancing in one spot!!

This experience was the most I had enjoyed in years, even decades maybe. My F1 partner was fun to hang out with and a good sport. We took lot of photos, which I have not had my hands on yet. I am extremely thankful to my CEO, for if not for him, I would not have experienced such a memorable event.

With all that said, Shu can finally get back to blogging about mundane things!

Here's another favourite of mine:
"Pump It" by The Black Eyed Peas

East meets West

If you are the sole westerner in a largely Asian department, and you sneeze, you would never hear someone say "Bless you!". It happens all the time to one of my Canadian colleagues. A few times, I was tempted to say it out of courtesy, but it seemed rather lame when I thought about it, so I kept quiet.

My company is a very interesting place to work in. It has about 100 employees, consisting of about 25 different nationalities and the company takes alot of pride in bragging about it. Each morning, as the coffee machine dispenses "wake-me-up" beverages (close to where I sit), I hear a myriad of different languages spoken. I dont understand most of the conversations, but it sounds good as if I were hearing foreign songs with the added advantage of not knowing the exact nature of all their rants from yesterday.

There are alot of differences between the Asians and the westerners at work. Other than the obvious difference that westerners get paid 2-3 times higher for the same job (because they are better at asking for more), they are a bubbly bunch; very bold, informal, loud and sociable. The Asians, however, like to stick among people sharing common cultures, values, nationalities and religions. Their relationships with their bosses are formal in nature, with clear boundaries in hierachies. They are only loud among 'their' people, preferably when the bosses are not around. In my observations, a combination of such behaviours and attitudes have made Asians inferior on the professional front in large multicultural companies.

I had a brief visit to the library today and got excited as I saw a Roald Dahl book. I used to be a huge fan of his books when I was a kid. Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Charlie & the Great Glass Elevator, Matilda, BFG and Fantastic Mr Fox, were some of them with fond memories. However, I found the book I borrowed very boring. Since his writing style didn't change, the only explanation would be that I have grown out of it. I have had similar experiences before where I could not re-create the childhood excitement I got as played certain games or did certain activities or ate certain food.

I seem to have secret admirers who like drawing patterns on the dust accumilated on my Jeep. A public car park is not a secure overnight resting place for my adorable Chariotte (yes, that's her name) and I worry that these "admirers" might get persistant and vandalise my Precious. The more attached I am, the more fear and worry I have.

We took junior to the park today. It is heart-breaking to drag them out when they are having so much fun and begs to go on the rides again. I can relate very well to the feeling of disappointment as my mother called me out of the swimming pool or out of the beach when the time was up.

The company had a new employee today. He seemed like he had just stepped out of a Bollywood movie shoot (lead role). I am not the type to obsess over random real-life humans, but it will take a couple of weeks to get over the "star struck" effect of this one.

The fashion sense here is outrageous, but it is no doubt one of the best songs of all time:

"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey

Curiosity Killed the Cat

How did I end up here? One thing led to another, that's how. Circumstances, over which we have very little control on, lead us on different paths.

Weekends end almost as fast as they approach.

I can't remember the last time I slipped and fell. Might have been years ago. But today at the supermarket, I scraped my knee (through my denim) as I slipped and fell on child vomit. My initial reaction was shock, I don't even recall the pose I landed on! After a quick wash, my first thought was to ask somebody to make sure it was cleaned up. PREGNANT FOLK WALK BY, YOU INCONSIDERATE PRICKS! If your kid puked, warn the cleaners or wipe it with a tissue. Geez, have you any brains capable of comprehending consequences of your actions??

Also to note, I have advanced to the "Apprentice" level on Mouse Hunt!

I am thrilled to know you made it in the end, just like you wanted.

A new arrival

I got my new violin, the one that's going to help me practice and speed up my learning process in class. It looks and sounds great!

Just like some parents might be disappointed over getting a daughter when they expected a son, I am disappointed in the ugly greenish case it came in. But unlike those parents, I can probably get my case changed.

Class was good. Unfortunately, the teacher gives me too much attention, while two other kids sat idling and waiting for their turn. It might be because she finds it easier to teach an established student than a new student. But it is not a good feeling knowing that you are talking up time they could have spent learning something valuable.

External appearances of people can be deceiving, yet we lay alot of emphasis on it and base most of our character judgements on it.

Hmmm, what else?

I'll be going to my home country for a vacation. It's been an year since I last visited there and it's been 6 years since I left home for good. It feels like going to an unfamiliar land with strange (and mostly unacceptable) ways. Even slightly disappointing and depressing at the same time.

I'll go to a dimly lit house with much fond and not-so-fond childhood memories. My room's been given away, my cupboard is now a store for junk that my parents are not mentally prepared to throw away. My belongings have been reduced to a suitcase. Clothes don't fit anymore or are seriously out of fashion. I don't recognise my neighbourhood anymore. People stare at me like I am green or something. I find the content broadcasted in the media quite intolerable, as most are directly copied from popular TV shows in other parts of the world. Religious talks with good advice are broadcasted every day on TV and radio, several times even, but I don't see any significant improvement it has had on society while I was away. Sexually repressed men are on every corner, idling without any aim in life or sense of responsibility, preying on passers by with things ranging from insensitive remarks to harassment on public buses. Most conversations with elders conclude on the emphasis of a marriage. People talk mostly about others' affairs, gossip if you like to call it. People talk everyday for hours about topics that have no conclusions or solutions like the country's politics, cost of living or scandals that have nothing to do with them.

Having said all that, it is nice to go back to the warmth of the home that my parents have created. It is feels good to sit with them and listen to what they say. It is nice to see the joy in their aged eyes when they see us smile and talk of our accomplishments proudly. It's great to taste familiar food. It is lovely to admire the surroundings, scenery and beauty of the land that we we born on. It feels peaceful to see time slow down.

I'm actively playing Mouse Hunt on Facebook these days. Still on Recruit level. But managed to catch alot of mice today with some good mouse-hunting tips and a generous inheritance of gold :)

Arghhh the Ides of March are creeping up on me...

Behind the smiles

It's been a cloudy day on Planet Shu.

A series of events which occurred throughout the day triggered a strong emotional response. Even the fact that year 2010 was nearing its end was enough to move me. As I step over from 2010 to an uncertain 2011, I take with me the good I worked hard to build this year and I move farther away from some of the most strongly-bound memories of my past.

I worked 2 extra hours after work. I was not mentally exhausted and in fact, I was happy to do it for the company. Today, I learnt that the training my company sent me to a few days back was a very expensive one. Right now, I am feeling so grateful for it and for the livelihood this job provides me.

Some songs accidentally catch my attention (for no particular reason) and I have no peace till I find it and listen to the tune a hundred times to get over it. This one I heard while waiting at a traffic light on my way to work:

Loves her Engines

The radio stations are back! What a great feeling to be back driving while listening to loud music... just to recap, a few days back, an ex-ruler passed on and during the three days of national mourning, all TV and radio channels stopped broadcasting and played melancholic classical music and/or prayers ALL DAY. It drove me to near-insanity to drive on those 3 days.

And yes, referring to the title, I have newfound love for the 3.7L engine of my Jeep!! It is so powerful and she accelerates with very little effort. Not intending to sound like a brag, let me explain. Recently, I got a lift from one of my colleagues. The 2.3L car made such alot of noise (VRRRRROOOOOM) just to accelerate to 60kmph and here I thought with that sound, we must be going at 120kmph (I was wrong). Sure, the Jeep drinks alot of petrol but in my opinion, it is a small price to pay (in this country) to drive a powerful and hardy 4WD vehicle. Also when I am at the forefront of a traffic signal, and just after the light turns green, there is always a huge gap between me and all the tiny cars at the back, because the pick up is faster. Of course, after a few seconds, the rest of them catch up. Nevertheless, I have forever decided I will never own a small (cramped) car, if I had a choice in picking it.

6 students in the music class today, argh!! One hour to be divided between 6 students; some were ignored and some got more time with the teacher (I was one who got more time). Disappointing still, to see the ones who were ignored. But the positive thing is that I realised it is good to be going from the lowly basics. As I have not had any formal systematic training earlier in the type of music I play most, I have missed on many little but valuable techniques. So here's is my second chance.

In my constant search for validation and assurance, I took a "Personality Disorder Test". Surely, these are not a 100% accurate, but here are the results:

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

So we are all but a bunch of different complexes at different degrees. Gives variety to this world, innit?
 
On to other interesting things, I discovered today that there were 4 videos on Youtube of some of my old concerts when I used to play in an orchestra. One of them was so unclear, you can't even make out any of the faces, but the rest were good stuff. Yay, Shu, you are on the Internet performing like a little Star!! 
 
We must try to keep in touch with people we care about. It is so hard with our schedules and geographical distances, but there is the internet and it is a cheap way to even drop a "Hi" to let them know you still think about them.
 
It is very important to develop good and considerate habits while we are able and young. Not because they are supposed to be good. But because, eventually you grow old and it gets harder to change less desirable habits. We have a guest at home these days and he (in his late 60's) leaves his plates and cups around for somebody to wash after him, eventhough he is perfectly capable of doing it himself and is perfectly aware there are no domestic workers paid to do that job in the house. Little does he realise that people around him resent his selfish ways and even something as small as this can make people love him less and not want to look after him when he is older.
 
Shu is off on a grocery shopping errand... work tomorrow too *sigh*....

Guitars and Horses

I witnessed a road accident today. My heart goes out to all people who ride motorcycles (and their families) – mostly dispatch/ delivery personnel on highways – any road accident for them is almost always fatal. If I had any say in this, I would bring in more safety regulations for these cyclists and ban their use on high-speed highways altogether.

I confidently watch TV programs/ movies involving casualties, blood and surgery without anything as much as a flinch. I even confidently took up a First Aid course thinking that this desensitization would make me competent in such a role. However, today, witnessing and driving past a real casualty lying on the side of the road made me realize that I might be one of the first people to panic and flee such a reality.

I learnt something interesting today while attending a training. The actual course content was very technical, however this particular phrase stuck with me. People don't actually resist (external) change, contrary to popular belief. They just resist being changed. So involving people in making change would be the most effective way to go around this.

Today, I met a female helicopter pilot (one of the students on training), who also happens to be a mother/wife/ex-military officer. DAMN, some guts that is. I've placed her high on my list of real life heros! Not very often I meet such admirable and courageous characters, who pass my quality standards.

My family is getting used to accommodating my academic aspirations. Only recently I started frequenting the public library to get quality study time, free from disturbances (of children and chaos) and distractions (of my netbook, the internet and movies/ tv series). As this leaves one person less for handling certain family chores, it is somewhat difficult on my sister. Hence, we need to meet halfway.

The public library, I noticed is a popular hangout for local youngsters. Its attractiveness lies in the lack of supervision from strict and conformist parents. This is one place both girls and boys can mingle (in carparks without street lights!) under the guise of serious study. Ah, teenage romance! Little do most of these kids know of the potential dangers and heartbreaks that follow such wayward affairs with strangers.

Today, a key political figure passed away. As a nation in mourning, all radio and TV stations stopped broadcasting their usual programs and replaced it with prayers. For me, listening to radio while driving has become a great joy and addiction. This left me in a very uncomfortable and irritated state. So I was forced to listen to a CD containing very old songs from my country (Clarence W.), and it took me down a long winded memory lane.

I feel my confidence growing as I participate in company sponsored trainings and undertake new responsibilities at work. In the past 9 months alone, I have learnt and progressed a lot professionally, compared to the cumulative work done for 2 years at my previous job. Thinking back, this year has been one of much radical change from my previous life. It almost feels as if I was freed from the dark clutches of an evil monster (and by monster, I do not mean any individual person).

The decision to relocate last year was a hasty and emotional one. However, I think it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am happy and satisfied about the way things turned out. I even go as far as commending myself for deciding and ending my then relationship. I do not have 100% closure on it, and at times, I still look over my shoulder longingly at the familiarity of the past. However, I would not have gotten through this extremely difficult phase in life, if not for the supportive people around me.

I also realise that blog therapy works on my character like magic! I am opening up on things I usually do not and I don't feel as self conscious. Usually, my every thought, sentence and action triggers an automatic internal “OMGwonderwhatshe/hethought/willthinkofthat” response. I have also begun to feel comfortable of the fact that I'm just like everyone else when it comes to facing trials and tribulations of life and that my problems are neither special nor am I invincible.

I'm off for the night.

To my parents, with love

There is no better day to talk of the importance of loving our parents.

I came home after a long day of work and study, to a noisy and chaotic house with a child throwing tantrums. I knew with my exhaustion and hunger, I would have attacked the child. So I locked myself up in my room for 20 minutes to breathe before I went over to participate in the family obligations, even then, I didnt talk for the next 30 minutes. But what amazed me was the patience with which his mother tolerated this hungry/sleepy monster, eventhough everyone around was losing their patience while she herself was tired, sick and multi-tasking household chores. This is just a fraction of an example of how much patience and sacrifice our parents would have gone through for years before we were able to stand on our feet.

Although this bond between parents and children is primarily an evolutionary trait to ensure survival of the species, one can't help but feel guilt over not being able to repay the kindness they showed us when we were young, and still continue to do.

Every culture, every religion places filial piety - respect and love for parents - above most.

The Chinese culture alone states the following ideals:

• Being good to one's parents; not being rebellious, showing love, respect & support
• Taking care of one's parents
• Engaging in good conduct outside the home so as to bring a good name to one's parents
• Performing the duties of one's job well so as to obtain the material means to support parents
• Dissuading them from moral unrighteousness
• Carry out certain rites in their name, after their death

It is never easy to listen to their every whim and fancy, specially when they appear stubborn, unreasonable and illogical. But I try.

They are no longer the strong willed, authoritarian and confident individuals I used to remember. Now, they are old, feeble, queer, unpredictable, child-like and with poor memory. And we children of the 21st century, have ventured far out from the grasps of our parents to look for better opportunities and bask in the freedom of making our own choices. Now, I meet them only once or twice per year. They are in our thoughts very often, and we worry alot when they are sick or troubled, but there is not much we can do being so far away. I know they yearn to see day they can live near their children, but that's very unlikely. We have our own lives, own lifestyles, own obligations that we can't give up easily to go and  be with them.  We send them cash to make up not being able to be with them and take care of them personally. And we tell ourselves we are doing our best.

When they are gone, their legacy will be glorified. We will have countless fond memories and things to be thankful for. There will even be some regrets to haunt us for the rest of our lives. And  if ever we have children of our own, we will appreciate our parents even more as we experience the challenges of parenting. Such is the circle of Life.

Incidentally, my grandfather turned 100 today.

Mass Cultural Delusions

This year for me has been all about stepping out of comfort zones, getting to know me for all that I am (whom I lost contact with years ago), building self esteem and re-evaluating my principles.

What began as a nice evening yesterday, ended up chaotic today. Meeting friends after a long time is great and watching a feel-good movie and having coffee over alot of chit chat was great too! Feeling like we could spend more time together, we decided to go ''out'' - meaning, the social phenomenon of drinking alcohol/ dancing in dimly lit bars/ clubs filled with strangers of sorts, lots of passive smoke and loud music. It follows logic that you can't bear up such inconveniences if you are not having a decent amout of alcohol in your system to cloud your judgement. But later on that...

"Eat Pray Love" the movie did not measure up to the book. Not surprising, it's impossible to put in so much detail into a movie of 2 hours. I enjoyed it more as I knew the little background stories within the story but someone new would not have appreciated it as much. It was amazing to see scenes from Italy, India and Indonesia bring life to the story which I had just read weeks ago.

I look forward to my weekends with much enthusiasm because of my music classes. I am currently the second oldest in a class of five. The oldest student is away on a vacation. So now, with more than double the years of experience and wisdom of my fellow classmates, I rule! My peers are 3 kids seemingly of ages 12, 10 and 6. Two of them are new recruits. The boy (I'm assuming he is about 10 years) who joined today clearly frequents Macdonalds for french fries and burgers, AND the fellow kept staring at the low-cut neckline of my T-shirt (yeah, bad choice of clothes - but really it's not something I would have thought of as I woke up at wee hours on a weekend to catch a taxi to class), till the uncomfortableness made me change seats. Can you believe kids these days? With the internet and other forms of media, kids wonder early about where babies come from. The girl who joined last week (she is seems around 6 years of age) rattled my core of existence with her matter-of-fact attitude and confidence as she proudly professed she knew 4 languages. Even her mannerisms in tackling the unknown were filled with so much confidence, it was humbling. Here was a nascent specimen, which had not gone through any adverse reactions in life and yet, with a property that most of us aspire to reach many years later. Life is full of lessons, even in the least expected of corners.

Honestly speaking, it is not the ideal situation of a class I imagined. However, I find the classes getting more challenging for me and I am so thankful that I found a class with a teacher who agreed to teach me. I even got the honorary title of ''Teacher's Best Student" from all her current students across two institutions, not rightly deserving of course (given my history), still it felt good to get that push of encouragement. And I accepted it with much modesty. I also made an interesting discovery this week! When playing sequences of notes at very high speeds, where there is little or no time to think, my brain and fingers automatically switch to my right-handed mode. And it is daunting because I want to understand and play well, but my body just does not coorperate and I automatically play the wires on the right side, when I should be playing the ones on my left side. It is very challenging to unlearn and relearn skills like that which took years to establish.

After class, my mission was to take public transport to go and collect my Jeep from a friend's place, where I had to leave it as I had a few cubic millilitres of alcohol in my system which made me unfit to drive back home last night (here, driving under influence of any alcohol is heavily penalised). In asking around for directions for bus routes, I made friends with a lady at the bus stop. She was quite friendly and helpful and I sat with her all the way till she got down, which was a few stops before my stop. From our conversation and facts gathered, I deduced she was involved in providing certain services to men. There is a possibility that I am wrong about her. In any case, she gave me some genuine advice, saying I need to be strong to survive in this country and that people can't be trusted and that I need to make noise when I see or experience injustice. I figure she took one look at me and realised I needed that bit of advice!

So after bus ride, a train ride, a considerable bit of walking in the mid day sun and loads of swearing at last night's few cubic millilitres of beverage, I was finally reunited my chariot. What an emotional moment it was!

My stance on alcohol?

For one thing, it truly tastes like crap.

The earliest recollections were from my curiosity phase (aged 11-13), when I have sampled several types of alcoholic drinks from my father's collection. But after that, a certain "no-alcohol" commandment in my religion gave me reason to strictly stay away from it and refuse it for the next decade.

For another thing, the after-effects are not rosy.

Ranging from hangovers the following day to valuable hours lost to the chaos it creates in one's routine, it is a deal breaker to me.

However, it is not easy to avoid participating in this mass cultural delusion when in certain social situations that require loosening up (to make conversations), becoming less self conscious (to dance) and being numb to certain realities (like overcrowded places, people smoking in your face or shallow acquaintances). There is also a degree of tolerance and levelling up that is required when associating with friends from different cultural backgrounds. Occasionally, if a person refuses a drink, it will lead to gasps by the rest of the group followed by various questions on why that person does not drink and frequent reminders like "ARE YOU SURE you dont want a drink?" or "but WHY?" or "c'mon please have ONE" or "JUST for today", that can easily trigger one to go on a shooting spree. Resistance when being a part of such situations is difficult.

I've come to believe that one can't find one's perfect bearings on balance without the valuable lessons learnt while losing one's balance. This is a principle being re-evaluated. As for me, I no longer have an issue with taking moderate quantities of alcohol while in the certain social situations. But given a choice, I prefer to stay sober and conscious of my actual thoughts, words, and deeds. 

Shu's Miniature Universe

A much better day....

Seriously, I believe that half the World's problems can be solved by a mere 8 hours of daily sleep, if everyone made an effort. Think about it.

Borrowed a book from the public library; something about a guy with a defective urine tract. BORINGGGG. Male authors seem to struggle with writing books involving "softer" emotions.

I have made a resolution not to talk of things I *plan* to do, instead I'll blog about it after I actually do it or initiate it.

As I type, I hear my mother asking prying questions from my sister (via Skype) about my whereabouts and the use of my newfound driving freedom. Can you believe Asian parents?! I'm way past the legal age for drinking and roaming the streets at ungodly hours, and yet, they don't get it.

Another weekend, yay, a small peak on Life's curve!

5 more days to financial freedom. The few days before pay day are the worst, living on scraps and scratching bottoms for pennies (of course, I am exaggerating a little).

Opening up to colleagues about personal things *may* come to bite you in the back. I opened up on a couple of things today, now I'm waiting for a potential bite.

Hanging out with some great friends tomorrow over a movie and coffee. Note: I have 4 types of friends - "friends", "good friends", "great friends" and "0 to100 friends", in order of increasing fondness and comfortableness while being with them.

I'm afraid of my boss! Otherwise, there is no sensible explanation for the squeaky voice and muffled words that come out when I try to talk to him. Need to figure which part of him intimidates me: his title, his social status, his intelligence, his confidence, his questions, his giant-like physique or simply his heavy footsteps.

Junior is getting better and better with his grammar each day and expressing his emotions appropriately. Today, he just swore at the "SHUCKING" door - he can't pronounce "F" yet, Thank God.

But seriously, NO, I don't believe in an omnipotent CEO God, running Universe Incorporated Pte Ltd. So what? It's just my opinion. Perhaps I'll reason out on this another time...

Reading and trying to understand academic material now is like doing the gold foil experiment. 1 in 8000 facts just bounce off the head, and the rest pass through and out of the head, concluding how much my brain has shrunk to a tiny concentrated mass over the past 3 years.

I wonder, do pets feel abandonment in the same way we do? Probably not. The abandoned cat in the car park now seems mentally stronger, she doesnt even ask to be loved and showered with attention like on the first few days. She is content to just have a meal, any meal..

I am an internet addict. I rush home to cling to my mental crutch - The Netbook - while dreading any real life activities and possibly avoiding any human contact that requires patience and effort. I barely do 5 things worthwhile on the computer. This explains the increased blogging activity lately.

Marriage? I think not. Let's face it, I wont meet that perfect guy I imagined with the many attractive and customised options, unless a prototype escaped from an advanced robotics lab, lost his way and got run over by my Jeep as I was speeding on a highway.

Superstitious I am, on nano level. I may not go hysterical over black cats, empty buckets, crossing stairways and howling dogs like my elders' generations. But superstition does work in my mind when it comes to results-driven events like exams and interviews, even though it can't be explained with any logic.

Enough rambling, I'm off to get the blessed 8 hours of sleep I am built to work with, for optimal performance.

My special carbon footprint

Does it ever bother you to see the alarming amounts of polythene and plastic we use and chuck away like there is no tomorrow? For me, it mostly does. But for the rest of the time, I just use and chuck it away without an ounce of concern.

Forget all the cows belching carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, forget the factories in developing countries coughing out smoke and mass producing non-biodegradable products, forget the vehicles in third world countries emitting toxic gases without any regulations, forget the shiploads of garbage and sewage they dump into the oceans. Those are what the experts like to bring to our attention. And when they talk about such things that don't seem to affect our today and tomorrow, we just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear because, really, who cares about some melting glacier in the Arctic or some species going extinct? I don't even believe that in my lifetime, any serious harm can come to me out of this much-hyped topic of global warming. All I care for mostly is keeping myself happy, entertained, fed and paid.

BUT,
If I stopped and just looked at myself carefully, I see the grocery bags that I don't care to recycle, the chargers and computers I keep running all night for nothing, the fuel I burn as I drive around for fun, the lights and airconditioning that I let run for nothing, the newspapers I just crumple and throw away, the gallons of water I let run waste as I soap the dishes and brush my teeth, just to name a few. These things bug me on a very subtle level and it is easy to drown that voice of righteousness, when comfort and convenience dangle promises of luxury and sophistication.

I try to tread as softly as I can on this earth, whenever I can, so my footprint is not too deep. Certainly, more can be done.

Dragonflies

When life throws me a challenge, I lose interest. Then I hop onto the next leaf, hoping I'll find something interesting there that will keep me happy.

I think I have lost interest in my job. That is something to be concerned about because jobs are hard to come by these days. My company is on a staff cutting phase and already in the past few weeks, several employees were retrenched. Losing my current job would have serious implications on me. However, due the the nature of my responsibilities, I have a less probability of getting laid off, unless I perform poorly. Within a matter of months, I gradually stopped reporting regulary to my boss. This has to do with him not taking an active interest in doing my performance review at the end of my probation period of 6 months (Seriously Shu, GET OVER IT). Recently, I showed much enthusiasm over welfare activities, which included suggesting the company replace some of the freely available carbonated drinks with more healthier alternatives! That made him realise that I probably had too less work. So he informed me to report to him weekly on my work and introduced me to the beginning of gigantic project, to be undertaken on my own. The thought of the project itself made me queasy because I still have no idea on how to start it, let alone tackle it afterwards. For 2 days now, I have been stalling... waiting for inspiration to smite me.

To add to that, I have no peace after work. For the past 3 days, I was dragged out of the house on family and social committments. And somewhere during that time, I seem to have caught a flu bug.

I've been trying hard to hop onto a new leaf today: The Public Library. But rotten luck made their IT infrastructure fail so I was not successful gaining the membership during my lunch break.

Coffee helps me stay awake at work. Chewing lots of gum helps too.

Now, I am off to the noisy park full of screaming kids and their guardians, so junior can finally have an outing. Maybe some fresh air will do me some good and cure me of this blasted headache.

Shu badly needs some peaceful sleep and a ray of sunshine. Or maybe even a small shower of rain might cheer her up.

My sisters from another world

I thought I should deviate a bit from the gloomy topics I have been touching on lately.

I got a phone call in the morning from a friend (or should I say a sister) who is now studying in Australia. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her voice after a long time. After I left home when I was 18, it was as if our little family was torn apart. Now, we only have rare occasions of communication and try to catch up on our changed lives as much as we could over the luxury of a long distance phone call that we can't always afford.

For convenience of narration and to protect their privacy, I shall call her R and her sister, D.

One day, long long ago when I used to be 7 years old, I came after school to find two dark girls of seemingly equal age standing outside my house. One of them was D. I was confused as to what these strangers were doing in my garden. After some time, I was informed by my mother that the two of them had come from a far away remote town to school in our town and they were here to stay with us to go to school. Of course, I didnt like it one bit at first. They were strange looking, strangely dressed, already teamed up and I was supposed to share my house and my life with them!

It didnt take long for us to bond because thats what children are good at. We were of the same age and in the same grade in school. But our personalities were very different. I was bold and stubborn. One of them was shrewd and adventurous. D was timid and emotional (even at that age, but we have to forgive her for she lost her father at a very young age). Before long, we earned the local nickname "The 3 Musketeers", for running around the housing scheme loudly as possible, exploring abandoned houses, stealing fruits from neighbours, riding bicycles at high speeds and just chattering loudly wherever we went. Many memorable events, involving adventure and growing up took place over the years and most of them are still so fresh in my mind. It is impossible to write all the stories of crazy cows, exotic hobbies, pranks, animal burials and similar things in one blog page. Some of us still carry the "war wounds" of our tiny battles. Within 2 years, one of them left to another country and only D stayed on with us. Soon, D's sister R, joined the club.

R was another personality altogether, she was all things angelic and responsible! We had successfuly managed to change D from her timid self to a mischievious one. But R was always our conscience, our shield from my strict mother, and a perfect element to balance the dynamics of this trio. We had another era of great memories totalling 11 years. Despite differences in race (mind you, we were of the opposite races that fuelled the civil war in our country at the time), we grew up sharing joy, enduring pain and caring long enough that our bonds ran deeper than blood.

So much has changed; our lives, our families, our surroundings, our selves. We are so much older now but I still miss them and everything that we once shared. It pains me to hear when they are passing difficult times in their own lives now. And I still do secretly wish that tables turn and we'll get to atleast live in the same country one day...

Love you guys, may you always be the best at what you do and find the best things in life to keep you happy and guide you...


And I like to end this night with this magical and moving musical piece (thanks NR):
"Downstream" from Braid Soundtrack

The stone carver

Today has been a fruitful day; much work done and less conflict.

The other day, I had a very stimulating and enlightening conversation with a very opiniated friend of mine :) It was about how conveniently we (I) blamed our parents for our current weaknesses and challenges. I stuck with this conviction so hard for so many years, out of convenience and cowardliness on my part. But something that came out of that conversation hit me in a way that I don't think I can blame them again. Now I have a broader perspective; I see the immense amount of courage and hardship my parents endured to bring us up, with no right guides and very little help. If we are in a position and level of maturity to indentify root causes of our current limitations, we may as well be able to find ways to overcome such challenges and assume responsibility for our own actions.

Though it is part of an insignificant past now, today reminds me of the day, some years back, I said 'yes' to my then boyfriend who asked me out. In our immaturity and innocence, little did we know of the turbulent journey we would take in the next 5 years. Looking back, from a fresh and nearly-objective perspective, it was all but a challenging phase with much lessons learnt and moulding of character. Why do I mention it? Because my mind loves to glorify memories of highly emotional natures.

I am always affected by animal cruelty and wonder at the level of thinking which can lead one to such acts. Two days ago, two cats were abandoned at a car park near our residential building. We managed to feed them some milk. That was the least we could do as we were not in a position to adopt them. One of them was a kitten, probably a month old and still suckling from its mother when it was ripped away and abandoned. On the first night, it screamed its heart out for its mother the whole night. The very next day it was gone. It could have been run over or even adopted (I hope it was the latter). The other cat however, was more mature and able to adapt, so it still survives in the neighbourhood. If it does not face any abuse or vehicle accidents, it will survive. Life is just too harsh for some.

Too sleepy to organise other thoughts right now.... nite!

'Till death do us part - 1

This is the life! A quiet weekend, driving around, reading, eating instant food, watching sitcoms and chatting idly with good friends.

I've found a new book to read called "Princess". So far, it is pretty horrific from what's related as a true story.

I must add that after posting my last blog, I did a bit of self reflection. I parted with my sunglasses, much like Bilbo did with the Ring, because it was the right thing to do. And I must say, I really feel a whole lot better now than when it was "mine".

There is a recurring issue that has been bugging me lately. It's like tinnitus, only it's getting louder with time: finding a suitable mate and getting settled. I've reached the point in age where the elders (by elders I mean people who have passed this milestone) think it is high time I gave up my free and single life to take up responsibility in participating in the circle of life. On this vibe, it is like all the daggers of the universe have turned at me. My parents worry obsessively, I know. People ask if I am married and when I say no, I can see concerned expressions. Some people suggest I should start socialising and meeting new people, some say I should look for suitors working in particular industries, some say I should settle down soon before it is too late to have children, even my so-called friends ask me if there are any updates on the dating situation since they last checked 2 weeks ago. Relatives and family friends are starting to talk and question my parents. The social pressure alone makes it feel like a trap, where a wild animal is being cornered only to be strapped with a ticking time bomb.

My thoughts on this?

I have stuggled to put my thoughts together in a little paragraph for hours, but I give up. I think I'll collect my thoughts and revisit this topic when it is not so overwhelming...

The Satanic Child

Humans, in all their great outward appearances and charming personalities, try very hard to conceal their weaknesses and evil intentions.

Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.

Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.

Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?

Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?

Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?

As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.

I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.

Until next time, may goodness rule again.

Scylla or Charybdis?

There are some days you just wake up and wonder "What the hell am I doing?" or "Where the hell am I going?"

I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.

On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.

On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.

"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.

South Paw

I am a left hander. In a world of 93-95% right handers, I am a minority.

Times are a changing. Society is weighing in on equality, slowly but positively. Society is becoming more tolerant of differences in gender, race, nationality, sexual orientation and even handedness.

I've had my fair share of challenges growing up in a right handed world surrounded by many right handed know-it-alls. It has ranged from the basic challenges of ironing, using scissors, avoiding elbow collisions with classmates, having smudged notes to more difficult challenges like answering nosy bystanders, being forced to change handedness and even sometimes ridiculed and looked down apon.

I have to commend my mother for not changing my handedness and shielding me as much as she could from the critics. I was often picked on at family gatherings, especially by older relatives. In my culture it is almost taboo to eat with the left hand, for reasons I will not elaborate here. They were hell bent on converting me into a right hander just like the rest of them. Almost each time, I watched helplessly as I was attacked, feeling bad and doubting myself. If I could go back now, I would gladly give them all a piece of my mind, very logically too.

Over the years, I combined adapting, changing certain ways and staying true to other ways in order to get to where I am today. I am no longer bothered by critics or onlookers. A lot of it had to do with prominently being the sole left handed violinist in a large orchestra at one point in time. I've learned to work around certain difficulties like using right handed tools, and I am as good a right hander ever will be in terms of dexterity. I've changed some things like taken to batting right handed and using the computer mouse like any right hander. Sometimes, all it takes is practice and in my case, a little extra effort. I still eat, write and do other major tasks involving strength or fine-tuned skills in my left hand.

Many interesting theories to understand lefthandedness and its associations have evolved over time; health conditions, intelligence, skills sets and testosterone, to name a few. How much of it is actually true, I couldn't tell. To me, it is just statistical significance and nothing more.

And now to present the one challenge I still face as a lefty. I've been playing a right hander's violin with my left hand for many years. It initially began with baffled teachers who didn't know how to handle a stubborn kid who refused to play like a right hander. Some of them took me on hesitantly and agreed to teach as long as I could keep up and did not expect individual attention, because they could not teach by example. Often ignored at group classes, I kept up with the rest in the best way I could. All this, and the fact that there were so many different teachers and hiatuses in between my learning experience, has made it difficult to progress steadily. It would be unfair if I didn't add here that I was lucky to have two extremely patient and dedicated teachers who kept encouraging me to focus on the learning and enjoy the music. Also during my last music spell of 4 years (2 years ago, that is), I learnt of a limitation. I was not able to reach some of the commonly played higher notes on the top right of the fingerboard, while reaching across from the left side. And this has left me in a standstill, unable to progress as I would like. 2 long years later and 3600 miles away, (yesterday), I met a teacher willing to teach me with the strings reversed. I am hopeful about it, though it will be learning all over again from the basics for me.

I've tried to find answers and advice on the internet, but each time my efforts have proved futile. People too often stray away from the topic and I am easily put off by narcissists on forums.

Crabs and Tides

Talk Shu, TALK! You are once again withdrawing into that shell of yours, which you love so much to reside in.

4 days of holidays later, I am ready to go to work. I must say it was a much welcome break. I caught up on sleep, movies and family time. We even a got the chance to take a road trip out of the state to visit a famous zoo and climb a mountain! The zoo was really depressing, with a few unfortunate animals, badly fed, poorly looked after and dazed by the summer's heat. The mountain was worth the climb.

The Future has been bugging me lately. I'm acutely aware that the years are piling on me. I have to think of savings, studies and settling down; though right now, nothing seems to be working out. Savings are hard to accumilate with this lifestyle. Studies need finances and informed choices to be made. Settling down, well, I don't feel ready to trust my life with a mate yet.

Left with a few hundred bucks for the month, I went and purchased a book today, recommend by a friend. "Eat, Pray, Love" - will be my latest story book. I did not get a chance to watch the movie yet. Maybe it is a good thing that I found the original book first.

It's been exactly an year, from the day I left my old life behind and took a leap into the unknown. All in all, I must say, it worked out pretty well during the last year. I have many to thank for helping me get back on my feet.

I Live.I Ride.I Am

I took the ride of my life today. And we made it home safely in two intact individual pieces. Phew.

I agreed to visit a mall with a friend to catch a movie. The original plan was that I would drive her to the mall in my Jeep. This was a comforting thought to me, as today would be the first day I am driving alone on the high speed highways (all these days I have been driving slowly and comfortably in my neighborhood). And I would have someone sitting beside me to make sure I dont miss out certain things on the road that I should be observant about and to make sure I don't crash onto any other vehicles. I was planning to be introduced to the high speed highways, slowly and gradually. But do things ever turn out the way to you plan them? Mostly, NO. I ended up following her car closely behind all the way to the mall and back home. It felt like being thrown into a pit of alligators to fend on your own. She drives like a crazy maniac and I had to keep up to make sure I dont get lost. I heard myself curse in bad language a couple of times. I have never driven so fast, not even with another passenger. At the end of it all though, it felt dangerously thrilling!

I watched Expendables. What a sorry excuse for a movie! It felt so lame with too much of testosterone, bad dialogues, over-acting and so much predictability. Halfway through the movie, it seemed like they killed so many people and did so much of damage to the town, just to save a girl. But it turned out, it was not even for her. BOOOOOOOO.

I LOVE GLEE. I think it is one of the best TV series they have come up in recent years. It is a good example of real talent in music, acting and dance. The series also does a great job in reviving golden oldies, which otherwise, we would never hear these days. Some performances give me the goose bumps! I've watched the first season countless times and watched certain performances over and over. I will wait till season 2 is completely over, so then I can get all of it at once and watch it back to back, rather than wait for a week impatiently.

After a long day, Shu deserves a good night's rest.

Déjà vu

Dreams are curious things.

When we are sleep, the brain makes makes interesting "movie clips" involving us or people we know about. It can range from familiar people and scenes to totally unrelated and new plots. The amount of involvement we feel while dreaming is so great. Dreams can make us experience real fear, sadness, love, happiness and the like. Some dreams are forgotten, some remembered when we wake up and others come to mind later on.

Dreams can feel real while dreaming until we wake up and realise otherwise. And if one continues to dream, one would not know there exists another reality (the one where I'm blogging right now!) we live in.

Makes me wonder if this "reality" we call real is real at all.

Travel Blog: Ras Al Kaimah, UAE

Last July on a weekend, 5 of us took a road trip to Ras Al Kaimah to celebrate a birthday. Ras Al Kaimah is one of the seven emirates that comprise the UAE. It was the peak of summer in UAE and temperatures went up to 45 degrees. We seized the chance of discounted summer rates at the Hilton and we were definitely not disappointed. It turned out to be one of the most memorable trips I have ever taken.

We set out early with 3 of them coming to pick up 2 of us who were in the same neighborhood. My neighbour decided to go out partying the night before and had way too much to drink. So we had to spend almost an hour dragging her out of bed, packing her clothes, warming up gross-looking leftover food while listen to her trying hard to recall the events of the day before, which included being pulled up by the cops. A very interesting tale, but that's not what this blog is about!

So we drove about 1.5 hours in a Peugeot 207 nick-named Titine, passing endless straight roads, desert on both sides, the occasional camel-sighting and beautiful sand dunes. We reached our destination, the Hilton Resort & Spa without much trouble. The hotel looked amazing with beautiful architecture and landscaping, strategically located overlooking the beach.

Most of our time was spent in several temperature-controlled pools and the beach. It was hard to beat the blazing heat even with all the shady beach umbrellas and loads of sun protection creams. It's funny how you don't feel the heat that much when you are having fun in the water. Only later when you see the skin tanned several shades darker, do you realise how strong the sunlight was. There was even a bar at the centre of a shallow pool. A very interesting concept, I thought, for reasons I will not elaborate here.

Food at the hotel was great of course (and expensive). Unfortunately, our friend with the hangover couldn't join us for a nice dinner. She was catching up on much needed sleep. After a good meal, we headed back to the room and went to bed. Early next day, we headed to the Spa for a head and shoulder massage. It was my first time at a Spa and I realised those places were carefully designed to make people feel relaxed and happy. Everything from temperature to sights, sounds and most notedly, the smells took one to a very quiet and tranquil state of mind within minutes. Luckily for us, an international buffet breakfast spread lay waiting to make our day. We ate as much as our stomachs could hold plus a little more extra. People always end up overeating at buffets. Buffets are a clever concept where people are invited to eat as much as they can for a high price. It's like a win-win-lose scenario, where hotels profit from the customers (win) and customers are left satisfied with the variety of food(win) and are also left with too many calories (lose). After that, we spent a few more hours in the pools, enjoying the last of it before check out.

By 2pm, we were all packed and ready to leave, reluctantly of course. It felt like a long vacation even though it was only a one-night stay. There were so many wonderful photos taken, with ample lighting conditions and pretty blue skies and blue water in most of them. My heart was beating unevenly at the checkout counter, wondering by how much we had exceeded our basic bed+breakfast rate. But to our joy, it was well within our budgets and we headed out feeling like that was the best weekend getaway ever!