My special carbon footprint

Does it ever bother you to see the alarming amounts of polythene and plastic we use and chuck away like there is no tomorrow? For me, it mostly does. But for the rest of the time, I just use and chuck it away without an ounce of concern.

Forget all the cows belching carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, forget the factories in developing countries coughing out smoke and mass producing non-biodegradable products, forget the vehicles in third world countries emitting toxic gases without any regulations, forget the shiploads of garbage and sewage they dump into the oceans. Those are what the experts like to bring to our attention. And when they talk about such things that don't seem to affect our today and tomorrow, we just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear because, really, who cares about some melting glacier in the Arctic or some species going extinct? I don't even believe that in my lifetime, any serious harm can come to me out of this much-hyped topic of global warming. All I care for mostly is keeping myself happy, entertained, fed and paid.

BUT,
If I stopped and just looked at myself carefully, I see the grocery bags that I don't care to recycle, the chargers and computers I keep running all night for nothing, the fuel I burn as I drive around for fun, the lights and airconditioning that I let run for nothing, the newspapers I just crumple and throw away, the gallons of water I let run waste as I soap the dishes and brush my teeth, just to name a few. These things bug me on a very subtle level and it is easy to drown that voice of righteousness, when comfort and convenience dangle promises of luxury and sophistication.

I try to tread as softly as I can on this earth, whenever I can, so my footprint is not too deep. Certainly, more can be done.

Dragonflies

When life throws me a challenge, I lose interest. Then I hop onto the next leaf, hoping I'll find something interesting there that will keep me happy.

I think I have lost interest in my job. That is something to be concerned about because jobs are hard to come by these days. My company is on a staff cutting phase and already in the past few weeks, several employees were retrenched. Losing my current job would have serious implications on me. However, due the the nature of my responsibilities, I have a less probability of getting laid off, unless I perform poorly. Within a matter of months, I gradually stopped reporting regulary to my boss. This has to do with him not taking an active interest in doing my performance review at the end of my probation period of 6 months (Seriously Shu, GET OVER IT). Recently, I showed much enthusiasm over welfare activities, which included suggesting the company replace some of the freely available carbonated drinks with more healthier alternatives! That made him realise that I probably had too less work. So he informed me to report to him weekly on my work and introduced me to the beginning of gigantic project, to be undertaken on my own. The thought of the project itself made me queasy because I still have no idea on how to start it, let alone tackle it afterwards. For 2 days now, I have been stalling... waiting for inspiration to smite me.

To add to that, I have no peace after work. For the past 3 days, I was dragged out of the house on family and social committments. And somewhere during that time, I seem to have caught a flu bug.

I've been trying hard to hop onto a new leaf today: The Public Library. But rotten luck made their IT infrastructure fail so I was not successful gaining the membership during my lunch break.

Coffee helps me stay awake at work. Chewing lots of gum helps too.

Now, I am off to the noisy park full of screaming kids and their guardians, so junior can finally have an outing. Maybe some fresh air will do me some good and cure me of this blasted headache.

Shu badly needs some peaceful sleep and a ray of sunshine. Or maybe even a small shower of rain might cheer her up.

My sisters from another world

I thought I should deviate a bit from the gloomy topics I have been touching on lately.

I got a phone call in the morning from a friend (or should I say a sister) who is now studying in Australia. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her voice after a long time. After I left home when I was 18, it was as if our little family was torn apart. Now, we only have rare occasions of communication and try to catch up on our changed lives as much as we could over the luxury of a long distance phone call that we can't always afford.

For convenience of narration and to protect their privacy, I shall call her R and her sister, D.

One day, long long ago when I used to be 7 years old, I came after school to find two dark girls of seemingly equal age standing outside my house. One of them was D. I was confused as to what these strangers were doing in my garden. After some time, I was informed by my mother that the two of them had come from a far away remote town to school in our town and they were here to stay with us to go to school. Of course, I didnt like it one bit at first. They were strange looking, strangely dressed, already teamed up and I was supposed to share my house and my life with them!

It didnt take long for us to bond because thats what children are good at. We were of the same age and in the same grade in school. But our personalities were very different. I was bold and stubborn. One of them was shrewd and adventurous. D was timid and emotional (even at that age, but we have to forgive her for she lost her father at a very young age). Before long, we earned the local nickname "The 3 Musketeers", for running around the housing scheme loudly as possible, exploring abandoned houses, stealing fruits from neighbours, riding bicycles at high speeds and just chattering loudly wherever we went. Many memorable events, involving adventure and growing up took place over the years and most of them are still so fresh in my mind. It is impossible to write all the stories of crazy cows, exotic hobbies, pranks, animal burials and similar things in one blog page. Some of us still carry the "war wounds" of our tiny battles. Within 2 years, one of them left to another country and only D stayed on with us. Soon, D's sister R, joined the club.

R was another personality altogether, she was all things angelic and responsible! We had successfuly managed to change D from her timid self to a mischievious one. But R was always our conscience, our shield from my strict mother, and a perfect element to balance the dynamics of this trio. We had another era of great memories totalling 11 years. Despite differences in race (mind you, we were of the opposite races that fuelled the civil war in our country at the time), we grew up sharing joy, enduring pain and caring long enough that our bonds ran deeper than blood.

So much has changed; our lives, our families, our surroundings, our selves. We are so much older now but I still miss them and everything that we once shared. It pains me to hear when they are passing difficult times in their own lives now. And I still do secretly wish that tables turn and we'll get to atleast live in the same country one day...

Love you guys, may you always be the best at what you do and find the best things in life to keep you happy and guide you...


And I like to end this night with this magical and moving musical piece (thanks NR):
"Downstream" from Braid Soundtrack

The stone carver

Today has been a fruitful day; much work done and less conflict.

The other day, I had a very stimulating and enlightening conversation with a very opiniated friend of mine :) It was about how conveniently we (I) blamed our parents for our current weaknesses and challenges. I stuck with this conviction so hard for so many years, out of convenience and cowardliness on my part. But something that came out of that conversation hit me in a way that I don't think I can blame them again. Now I have a broader perspective; I see the immense amount of courage and hardship my parents endured to bring us up, with no right guides and very little help. If we are in a position and level of maturity to indentify root causes of our current limitations, we may as well be able to find ways to overcome such challenges and assume responsibility for our own actions.

Though it is part of an insignificant past now, today reminds me of the day, some years back, I said 'yes' to my then boyfriend who asked me out. In our immaturity and innocence, little did we know of the turbulent journey we would take in the next 5 years. Looking back, from a fresh and nearly-objective perspective, it was all but a challenging phase with much lessons learnt and moulding of character. Why do I mention it? Because my mind loves to glorify memories of highly emotional natures.

I am always affected by animal cruelty and wonder at the level of thinking which can lead one to such acts. Two days ago, two cats were abandoned at a car park near our residential building. We managed to feed them some milk. That was the least we could do as we were not in a position to adopt them. One of them was a kitten, probably a month old and still suckling from its mother when it was ripped away and abandoned. On the first night, it screamed its heart out for its mother the whole night. The very next day it was gone. It could have been run over or even adopted (I hope it was the latter). The other cat however, was more mature and able to adapt, so it still survives in the neighbourhood. If it does not face any abuse or vehicle accidents, it will survive. Life is just too harsh for some.

Too sleepy to organise other thoughts right now.... nite!

'Till death do us part - 1

This is the life! A quiet weekend, driving around, reading, eating instant food, watching sitcoms and chatting idly with good friends.

I've found a new book to read called "Princess". So far, it is pretty horrific from what's related as a true story.

I must add that after posting my last blog, I did a bit of self reflection. I parted with my sunglasses, much like Bilbo did with the Ring, because it was the right thing to do. And I must say, I really feel a whole lot better now than when it was "mine".

There is a recurring issue that has been bugging me lately. It's like tinnitus, only it's getting louder with time: finding a suitable mate and getting settled. I've reached the point in age where the elders (by elders I mean people who have passed this milestone) think it is high time I gave up my free and single life to take up responsibility in participating in the circle of life. On this vibe, it is like all the daggers of the universe have turned at me. My parents worry obsessively, I know. People ask if I am married and when I say no, I can see concerned expressions. Some people suggest I should start socialising and meeting new people, some say I should look for suitors working in particular industries, some say I should settle down soon before it is too late to have children, even my so-called friends ask me if there are any updates on the dating situation since they last checked 2 weeks ago. Relatives and family friends are starting to talk and question my parents. The social pressure alone makes it feel like a trap, where a wild animal is being cornered only to be strapped with a ticking time bomb.

My thoughts on this?

I have stuggled to put my thoughts together in a little paragraph for hours, but I give up. I think I'll collect my thoughts and revisit this topic when it is not so overwhelming...

The Satanic Child

Humans, in all their great outward appearances and charming personalities, try very hard to conceal their weaknesses and evil intentions.

Today, I analyse some of my darker sides that have been dominating my actions lately.

Jealousy and competition. I got a pair of expensive sunglasses at no cost from an acquaintance who happens to be an optician. This was done in good faith because my sister's family hosted him and assisted in his business dealings while visiting this country. I would never buy it under normal circumstances. However, after this piece of designer wear came into my possession, I noticed how deeply attached I got to it. I felt elated feelings of how I would appear on the outside to others, wearing an expensive accessory. I imagined myself looking more attractive and this thought played on my head several times a day. It happened so that my sister developed feelings for this same piece of accessory in the same way that I did, only it was "mine" before it was "hers". I even got fiercely competitive when she wanted it or asked to borrow it for a few days. I told her sternly that if it was lost, she would have to buy me an identical pair at whatever the market price it was sold at. And she even suggested that I start wearing contact lenses (which I dont use), just so that we both can share because once I got this adjusted to fit my sight, she wouldn't be able to wear it. She even suggested that this pair matched her car better hence she should have it. I still feel too strongly attached to it and to the sense of false pride it would assumingly bring; so much that I can't even bring myself to letting her keep it and agree to take a less attractive pair instead. And I wonder, where all my sense of generosity has gone? Also, I wonder in amazement how material acquisitions are giving us a false sense of self esteem, which we can't gather otherwise.

Revenge. After a long 5 month period of persistent requests, disappointment, anger, sadness, worry, feelings of hopelessness, I received a long overdue official confirmation that I was now a permanent staff at my company. I fought long and hard to get this sense of security and absolution as if it were my given right (which it was). After I finally managed to get the intended response from the company, I saw myself feel anger at their incompetance and lack of concern. I felt they owed me an apology for the months of distress they caused me and which they conveniently overlooked. I subconciously felt hate and wished them ill as revenge. And I wonder, where all the loving kindness I have within me went?

Deceit 1. I am almost always generous and helpful. I derive alot of my strength and personal satisfaction by being useful, being wanted, being indispensible to others. I can easily go all the way just to help someone get what they want or just to make them feel confortable. And I can do this with no extra effort, as it comes very naturally to me. There are alot of people who take advantage of this quality of mine and I am well aware of it when it happens. There has been a manager in office who conveniently pushes some of her workload to me regularly and refuses to learn or make time to do them herself. But today, when she tried it again, I refused bluntly with an excuse. I have become indifferent to her pain and challenges, and I can watch her struggle to cope with her reports. And I wonder, where all my empathy went?

Deceit 2. This type of deceit is a first time for me. I am frankly shocked. I offered my seemingly sincerest help to an acquaintance just so that I can win over his trust and use him for other purposes (put as blandly as possible). This thought and the actions that followed were well crafted and well acted out. Thinking back, I shudder to even think that was me acting out of selfish motives for personal gain. If I dont catch myself sooner, this instance of deceit is going to lead to manipulation. And I wonder, where my selflessness and conscience went?

As much as I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself reach a point to harbour these selfish thoughts, I am also learning to accept myself for all that I am. Years of practice have given me the opportunity to put on a poker face, that speaks and shows very little negative emotions. This has also given me the perfect shield to deceive and manipulate people under the guise of goodness, should I need.

I also happened to finish Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" today. Good read, highly recommended.

Until next time, may goodness rule again.

Scylla or Charybdis?

There are some days you just wake up and wonder "What the hell am I doing?" or "Where the hell am I going?"

I have not blogged in weeks. My brain has not been processing any fresh and interesting thoughts lately. Instead, it's been recycling the same old subjects, which seem to be going around inside my head in infinite loops.

On the up side of life, I have more free time these days (without distractions from kids), I have re-fuelled an old hobby, the inventor in me just converted an unusable right handed violin to a usable left handed vioin, I read and driving around town gives me immense pleasure.

On the down side, there is the same old stuff; worry, fear, doubt, discontent, disappointment.

"I should do something about it" has been my passive tagline for way too long now.